cling.

this semester, B and i talked about the importance of discerning who to tell your story & important parts of your life to. making sure that the receiver can not only appreciate the words and stories you offer, but also, if wanting to relate to it, to relate in a comparable way... not in a way that shares a story for the sake of pretending to know how the sharer feels.

this morning i read this "journal entry" from a little book i'm reading and it was encouraging to realize in B's and my desire to share pearls and recognize pearls, we're not alone in that desire and realization.

from cling to the promise in the inner voice of love by henri nouwen.

do not tell everyone your story. you will only end up feeling more rejected. people cannot give you what you long for in your heart. the more you expect from people's response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.
you have to close yourself to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain. God will send you to the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you close to the true source of love.
God is faithful to God's promises. before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave. it will not come in the way you expect. it will not follow your needs and wishes. but it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire. there is nothing to hold on to but this promise. everything else has been taken away from you. cling to the naked promise of faith. your faith will heal you.

-h.n.

so although this isn't exactly what we talked about, i thought it was nice because he also had the realization of throwing pearls to swine. it took a difficult time in his life to come to some of the self-realization-entries he writes in "the inner voice of love." but the important part is, he did and i'm sure that coming to the realization of where he had invested much, expected more, and lost a lot, ultimately pushed him to cling to the faith he had in J.

i see you.

i just finished watching "the joy luck club" for the first time. there were so many scenes in the movie that were heartbreaking. it's been a long time since i've seen a movie that captures pain so clearly.

my favorite scene occurred between june and her mother. after years of feeling like she had disappointed her mother, june and her mother had a sort of break through moment. the mother confessed that she had so many hopes for her daughter. they weren't expectations, but merely all the good things she wanted for her daughter.

the mother repeated so many times to june, "i see you."

i couldn't help but think: isn't that what we all want? to be seen?

in my own relationship with my mother over the years, it's been such a weird cycle. when i was little, i just knew my mother knew everything. but then i was a teenager and she knew nothing. now i'm an adult and i know she knows so much. but i can see where our lives have diverged and although she continues to love me and counsel me, she doesn't have all the experiences i do and it's very often hard to believe that she understands the things i experience and have experienced. i don't mean this to discount anything about her. i am blessed with a mother who takes time for me, who loves me, who has sacrificed a lot to teach me about living life with integrity and strong character.

for so many years i have been concerned about what my mother sees when she sees me. wondering what she really thinks of me, asking, what are her worries for me? does she have thoughts about me that she would never say to me?

i think it was the repetition of "i see you" from june's mother that stood out to me since june so needed to believe that her mother did care for her and that her mother didn't look at her and see a disappointment. that she looked at her and saw past those things. but i also think, looking at the end of the movie, that it was important for june to be able to echo those same words back to her mother: "i see you."

it took june a long time to feel like she could see her mother. it made me wonder about my own mother: does she think that i see her?

my mom has treated me like an adult ever since i began acting like one. it was right around the time i went to college. things were just different. i didn't mind. it was a smooth transition. but it has shocked me in the last hour since seeing the scene from the movie and thinking about what it means to say "i see you." i feel challenged to not just see my mother, but to somehow let her know that i see her.

the thought on the index card.

a couple of weeks ago i got to thinking about how people explain themselves or their journey to where they are today. for example, saying, before i became a C, i drank all the time, and was super unhappy, did drugs, etc. not to say the separation of the life before C and the difference after isn't important. it definitely is.

i kept thinking about why we explained ourselves by those outward "seen" behaviors. before i went to bed i sloppily penned down the following,
"we speak of the outer proof because we either don't have the words to explain the condition of our hearts or the condition of our heart was much uglier than the actions that manifested as a result."

talking about the heart is so abstract. technically, the heart is just an organ in the body yet we use it to express how we know, understand, and feel about so many different things. i think about that verse somewhere in the bible that talks about how G takes away our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh. but it really is talking about our being, i think.

honestly i have no clue. but my point is (and even more so proven by my inability to adequately discuss what heart even means) that due to how abstract it is and difficult to explain the change, it's easier to talk about the actions that changed (the more tangible evidence) rather than the actual conditions that changed. maybe it would be like talking about the aftermath of a tornado hitting and describing how everything looked and then the months of cleanup rather than talking about the conditions that made the tornado occur and the assembly of people it took to clean up the storm's aftermath. at least, that's how i see it.

i think what i've come to see is that i want to better work to describe the conditions and not just the change of action. i feel like talking about the condition of our hearts, the real gross and ugliness, is vulnerable activity, but nevertheless much more important in enabling us to move toward real long term changes. i don't want to merely say, "before C, i did this and now i do that" but to say, "before C, my heart was ugly. it was rebellious and so my actions were different than they are now. but the heart itself, that was the real issue. the actions were what was indicating that something was amiss in my heart."

or something like that. i don't want to be so afraid of what's in my heart anymore. i mean, G does see it, whether i admit to what's going on in there or not.

after the fact.

a few years ago, I started thinking that I asked too many people their thoughts on what I should do. even Dr. P said to me the other day, that because of my personality type, I'm more likely to crave good opinions from other people. she is definitely right about me. but a few years ago, I thought, who do I turn to first? G? or family? or friends?

I think in different seasons of my life it's different. but I feel like it's a huge battle to know and understand the mind of G for our lives. earlier I thought of the verse in Proverbs 11 that says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure." I know the proverbs seem to be so individual and often on the surface seem to contradict each other. but I was talking to baby K on the phone earlier and it hit me: why is it okay to make decisions without the wise council of others around us?
is it okay?
if lack of guidance makes an entire nation fall, what does that mean for me as one person within a nation or group?

fear is such a destroyer of good things G has set up for us, which is what I think must be the reason that holds us back from including others in decisions we make. we're so afraid that the people we love won't agree with what we're doing that we wait until after our decision is made to tell people so they just have to accept what it is that we've decided.

I know I've done this in my past a lot. probably in my present a bit, too, although I am too close to see it right now. I feel tugged in a lot of different directions. a lot of times I feel I could be happy in so many different decisions that it's difficult to know which way is best. but even if the motives of those around me are tainted (and we're human, so they always are a bit), I want to continue to grow in knowing wholeheartedly that I'm not responsible for them; I'm only responsible for me and the decisions I ultimately make.

however. I say all that and then I think about what I just read in Thomas Merton's book ( no man is an island ). I can't remember exactly what he says, but from what I remember, he basically said that because of the body of C, his successes belong to the entire community, but his failures also belong to them. what was done in the past influences his present circumstances, just as his current actions influence those far into the future. it was a lot for me to think about.

so yes, our decisions are our decisions but at the same time, they're not at all. I don't think we should make decisions exclusively because someone else wants us to make the decision they deem best, but consider what our decisions mean for the larger group.

responsibility in decision making is rough.

because he is at my right hand.

today has been a heavy day. I'm not sure exactly what happened but there were enough adverse elements that combined to send me over the edge. up until an hour before I left for work, I was a wreck. I started breathing funny and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. everything was so tight. breathing, one of the functions of the body that is done involuntary, seemed too difficult.

today just felt so hopeless. I began to doubt why I am in the W; asking, what's the point? how will I be able to provide for myself after all this? what's it all for? does what I am training to be and do even matter? I sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness. it's been awhile since I've had a day like today.

upon coming home tonight, I remembered parts of psalm 16. "I have set the Lord always before me. because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices, my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave..."

I think the human body and the mind are crazy. I do. when my breathing became short, I started thinking about my lungs. thinking about their function and how they assist me every moment is incredible. but also, how what is going on in my heart and mind can influence how my body functions. it's fascinating... but it's also scary.

I think it's scary because we're hesitant to believe that the life of the mind is so deeply interconnected with our bodies. even the nurse at the health clinic, when I asked her if she thought I was experiencing an anxiety attack, quickly evaded my inquiry. why is it so hard to believe that what we are experiencing in life, whether it be stress from school or work, or family issues, or financial difficulties, could directly influence how our bodies operate?

just like when a high temperature indicates an infection, aren't other physical maladies indicative of something, too? I'm not trying to over spiritualize my situation. but at the same time, I don't think it's too far fetched to consider that what our bodies go through could be a way for G to redirect our attention.

it's like that quote by j.c. ryle that I've liked since summer before last.

"it is necessary to study morbid anatomy, if we would understand health. the ground must be cleared of rubbish before we build."

my body also will rest secure.

alive at 25.

when I was in high school, ninth graders were required to take wellness. wow I hated it so much. having to dress out to do different gym activities and rotating time in the gym with time in the classroom. the classroom time was the first (and hopefully only) time I ever remember falling asleep in class and drooling. yes, I said drooling.

right around the time I got my learner's permit to drive at the ripe old age of 15, we went through this book program called "alive at 25" in wellness. it seemed like turning twenty-five would be so far away, but here it is. I am alive at twenty-five.
there's ten years between me and then. isn't that crazy?

tonight one of my friends since 8th grade texted me to tell me happy birthday. we've told each other happy birthday every year since we were 14. even though we don't ever see each other, I think we still surprise each other every year by at least acknowledging the other one's birthday. in an strange way, it has kept me able and willing to look to the past to see how far I've come.

my dsg's verse for the week is, "my son, keep your father's commands and do not forget your mother's teachings. bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. when you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. for these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life."

lately I have felt that I have nothing new to contribute. not to say that I've reached my peak as a person. I surely hope that isn't the case. but I do feel like it's time for new thoughts. I'm hoping that's what this next year signifies. new thoughts, new habits, a new heart. I'm thankful that it has been Proverbs 6 that I've been meditating on all week because I feel like it brings so many things together for me: recalling those commands and teachings from the past, and purposefully bringing them with me into the present as I try to discern where the path takes me next.

I don't know what it looks like but the truth is, I never did and I'm still... alive at 25. it's a good place to be.

people to love.

last night my eyes were opened. last week one of my friends was telling me about how it's a blessing to be in a community where all are welcomed and accepted. where a place is made for those who do not have a conventional place, for those who are often shunned because of their social skills or lack thereof. the socially awkward, the crass, the loud, and the quiet. we all have our issues.

i have seen how my community here in the W is akin to the first community that God sets us in: family.

last night i listened to a young woman talk about her sibling. she spoke of her family's sadness toward a member in her family who is now unlike them.

for the first time, i thanked God for placing me in my first community: a family that isn't perfect. a family that is full of black sheep. a family that is often considered to be the black sheep of a larger extended family. a family that goes after the sheep that wandered. a family who believes that not only that the sheep will return, but that God will use us in the process of bringing the sheep back home.

last night my heart broke. if family is the first community that God sets us in, that first community sets the standard for all others. for some, it propels us to seek love and acceptance and healing because our first community family was lacking. for others, it propels us to give love and acceptance and healing because that is what our first community family provided us. perhaps it is even a combination of both.

i think what i'm trying to say is this: that God has known before time what we were able to handle in this lifetime. and instead of looking at those who have wandered away from the flock as a reflection of bad parenting or a poor first community, maybe we should decide to look at it differently. maybe we should see it as God knowing us better than we know ourselves. that God believes that we are the appropriate people to care for and love and to serve as healers to those who have wandered. to seek after them, to include them, like he includes us in his perfect plan for his creation.

last night, i saw things from a new perspective and i felt peace. i pray that God gives us love for those who are far away and that disdain will be far from our hearts.

"then Jesus told them this parable: 'suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? and when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' - luke 15:3-6

the woman, wisdom.

I've been reading through Proverbs with my small group and I am continually struck by how wisdom is referred to with the pronoun "she." something about wisdom makes it so that wisdom can be better understood by being referred to as "she" or "her."

for example, Proverbs 4:7-9 says:

"Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. though it cost all you have, get understanding. esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. she will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor."

all that to say, I think it's cool. I know that it's not exactly profound, but sometimes I feel like due to the culture of the Bible, there isn't a place for women. even to this day, one of the things that scares me about finding someone I want to marry is that he might not have views on women that I feel admire and care for my sex. or that his views on women focus on what can be done to restrict our sex.

I feel like in the past year, I've met more people who are more open to the idea of women as teachers. men who believe that women don't just belong in the home. I think that's what is so sad to me about people I love in the South. they have a restricted view of women. to even consider that some of the exhortations in the Bible about women could have been specific to a context or to a certain culture is completely out of the question. I'm not claiming to know everything. I know I still have much studying to do of the Bible. However, I can't help but think that pride comes into the equation.

I heard a relationship talk last week that was brilliant and to the point about what to look for in a husband/wife. It was one of the only relationship talks I've heard that was so honest it hurt and yet still encouraged. I liked how the speaker talked about women. He spoke the following,

"God's intended role for a wife is not to wait around for her husband's directives as if she was somehow paralyzed without them...you don't think that Adam and Eve in the garden, Eve was sitting around asking Adam, what am I supposed to do with these? and Adam says, 'Put the daffodils here, and the daisies over here behind me.' No, he said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do with flowers.'"

I think that was an excellent illustration of how we absolutely have different God-given roles and intuitions and strengths. But that does not mean that we are less than. Men absolutely have it harder, being the one that is ultimately accountable to God for the leadership he asserts on behalf of his family. I don't envy the man for that. But for whatever reason, due to the often "scariness" and disturbing views of so many "normal" and God-fearing men that I do know, I remain apprehensive.

community. (and not the show).

this weekend has been lovely, as R would say. i can't believe how elated one can feel after just spending time with people: cooking, eating, car riding, ultimate frisbeeing, teasing, and talking.

it's when i'm with the people in our group that i'm reminded of what's important. without even saying anything specific to my situation of life, they encourage me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, to live a life without mediocrity, and to look forward, not backward.

i haven't ever known a group, a community, like the one i know now.

henri nouwen writes,
"community arises where the sharing of pain takes place, not as a stifling form of self-complaint, but as a recognition of God's saving promises."

i would also like to add that community arises where broken people come together to laugh and share, and through it, recognize that the joy that they share comes from God.

i want to be free.

and not just from school.

from sin.
and sadness.
from mediocrity.
and anger.

today dr. M talked about how we misuse the verse, "and the truth will set you free."
the u.s. definitely misconstrues the meaning of that verse. my culture has imprisoned me.

the Truth = Jesus/the Word

through obedience to Jesus and his Word, we find freedom. freedom in obedience.
isn't that weird to think about?

but as i've noticed my same sinful inclinations and patterns- things i thought i would be free from by now- things i want to be free from- things i hold onto and thus keep myself from being freed from- i get it. and, i also don't get it.

obedience. "if you love Me, you will obey what i command."

if.

"for the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones."
-Proverbs 2:6-8

the battle for the mind.

today has been glum. I woke up, looked out my window, and it didn't look much different from when I went to sleep last night. Dark.
I'm a huge fan of the sun. but just as when I am battling depressive tendencies, it's difficult to remember what the sun feels like on my skin and how it makes me feel when it isn't there.
I was reminded of that this morning as I sat in class.
Dr. M told us the story of his roommate in college who took his own life.

We've been talking about forgiveness a lot lately. I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what it looks like to have forgiven someone. Even though it was the topic of forgiveness, and by topic I mean chapter in a book entitled "Forgiveness," that ultimately led me to follow Jesus, forgiveness and unforgiveness still loom in my heart and mind. What does it look like? Have I forgiven that person? Have I forgiven myself?

Sometimes you don't know whether or not you have forgiven someone until you are put into a situation with them where it is absolutely and sometimes embarrassingly apparent that you haven't.

I felt that way this morning in class. As we've talked about forgiveness in the last couple of weeks, I've searched my heart and actively prayed about people I need to forgive. It's been incredibly cleansing to see me as I am: an unforgiver. One who is forgiven but still, an unforgiver.

But as Dr. M taught, I thought I would have to leave class to go vomit. When Dr. M told the story of his roommate, almost immediately C came to my mind. I struggled with hundreds of thoughts that flooded into my head concerning her and what led her down the path of taking her own life. Dr. M said something about how we can never truly know what someone is thinking or feeling. We can only go off what they communicate to us.

But my mind kept taking me to the verse I heard in church on Sunday.

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

And I broke on the inside. I felt once again that I had failed C. I had no idea anything was wrong. I've tried to forgive myself over and over. I know it's a choice but I just feel guilty. I wasn't a woman of understanding and I didn't know her heart. I lost focus and all day I've just reflected on it.

I still talk to God about her. And sometimes, she's in my dreams. Not in a weird way. But in a way where I've been able to work out the grief and pain that have surrounded knowing how her short life ended.

I see the postcards that she sent me over the years and I'm reminded of my sweet friend. I pray for her when I see them. Sometimes I don't know if what I say to God about her makes any sense, but I know he gets it.

It's just, it still hurts and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I still hurt for her and the pain she felt. I can't find a way to conclude this that ties it up nicely because it isn't nice. C's death wasn't nice. but that's the reality. david's words are better, anyways:

"though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." -psalm 71:20



Almighty God, who is the only One who can truly know the purposes of our hearts, grant us understanding and compassion for your people as we seek to share in the deep sufferings of the heart, that we may be the hands and feet of your body, telling your people of your unfailing love and faithfulness, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.



May God make us men and women of understanding who can draw out the deep waters of purpose in the hearts of those we love. Amen.

anxiety.

"you just got past liking guys that aren't good for you and now satan is going to make you stumble over finances??" - a friend.

so so true. my friend's words of truth combined with the ultimate truth from the master teacher brought me back to kingdom thinking:

"therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable than they? who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

...

but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." - matthew 6:25-27, 33-34

i think a lot of things are "easier said than done." however, i think with anxiety and constant worrying about what i cannot control, the right thing can indeed be done.

sanctification and the seven marias.

this morning I woke up to head to work and once again face the seven marias & thirteen other students I am currently teaching ESL to.

I love them.

last night was very sobering as I sat in the floor of my room and read through their paperwork. it was one thing to read their information but now, I know their beautiful faces. I know the personalities that go with their names.

so last night, I decided to go through their paperwork and I noticed their prior schooling. most of them did around five years of primaria in mexico. imagine: no longer going to school after the 5th grade.

my eyes filled with tears as I realized so many things at once: what I have taken for granted, how God has given me such a gift by giving me a job to teach these adult students, and further reassurance that I was where I needed to be.

I often feel inadequate in what I can give to my students. today was one of those days. lately I've been thinking about my friends who are or have recently gotten married and have been reminded that marriage is a sanctification process. God uses the institution of marriage to make two people become more holy and thus glorify him.

I am no where close to marriage. sometimes I wonder, if I don't get married, will I be lacking in areas of growing in holiness that married people will have?

teaching is a huge challenge for me. it seems somewhat impossible for me to believe that I could one day be an amazing teacher. today I thought I failed. and maybe by my own standards, I did. but a maria came up to me after class. this maria is my oldest student, a maria with a very reassuring smile. she touched my arm and whispered in my ear, "you a good teacher." it took everything in me not to start crying. I just looked at her and said, "thank you." almost immediately I realized: God is and will continue to use teaching to make me more like him. it won't be easy, but if this is what he has chosen as a means for my sanctification, I say yes to him.

every tribe & tongue & nation.

"Y cantaban un cántico nuevo, diciendo:
Digno eres de tomar el libro y de abrir sus sellos,
porque tú fuiste inmolado, y con tu sangre compraste para Dios
a gente de toda tribu, lengua, pueblo y nación."
Apocalipsis 5:9

"And they sang a new song:
"You are worthy to take the scroll
and to open its seals,
because you were slain,
and with your blood you purchased men for God
from every tribe and language and people and nation."
Revelation 5:9

let us not forget!

"WHO shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? as it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' no, in all these things we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. for i am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

pandora.

I love pandora. it's official. we hardly separate any more. that's how official we are.

I put in the band "waterdeep" and created a "waterdeep radio" station. I am a happy girl!

and... always thrilled with the weepies. blissful music.

my life according to: counting crows

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer
these questions. Pass it on to anyone. You can't use the band
I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than
you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick Your Artist:
Counting Crows

Are you a male or female:
American Girls

Describe yourself:
Butterfly in Reverse

How do you feel:
Shallow Days

Describe where you currently live:
Round Here

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Miami

Your favorite form of transportation:
Ghost Train

Your best friend is:
Mr. Jones

You and your best friends are:
Hanginaround

What's the weather like:
Hazy

What's your favorite time?
Time and Time Again

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Daylight Fading

What is life to you:
A Long December

Your last relationship:
Insignificant

Your fear:
Colorblind

What is the best advice you have to give:
Holiday in Spain

Thought for the Day:
Come Around

How would you like to die: Catapult



My soul's present condition:Up All Night

what is it about hope?

The thing about movies is, they encourage you to have hope. I mean relationship hope, especially. It’s unbearable. I saw (500) Days of Summer, today. I liked it a lot, mostly because the main character, Tom, spoke of how even greeting cards give us an easy out from actually expressing our individual and intimate feelings. I feel that way towards movies. I know they’re not all sap, but tonight as I was watching Sense & Sensibility, it bothered me how cool and collected Eleanor seemed about Edward being away, but how when she was away from her mother and sisters, she pulled out the book he gave to her and you just knew that she was hoping that he would return to her and confess his love. Later, he did come to visit and her younger sisters attempted to slyly give Edward a seat on the sofa next to Eleanor. However, Edward intentionally seeks out other seating and you can see the devastated looks on the faces of all three sisters.

And in (500) Days of Summer, Tom did the same with Summer. When they were later reunited at a wedding, they danced together and had good conversation. And once again, you just knew that Tom was hoping that she would want to be with him again.

There was even a part where they did a split screen. On the left, the bottom of the screen was labeled “Expectation” and on the right, “Reality.”

Isn’t that what so much of our lives are? Yes, we will always have expectation, or really, hope. Someone said that to be last week. That there will always be expectation. But at what point do you cut it off? Because even if hope “pulls through” – how much aligns with what you anticipated? Something will always be different, whether it is greater than you could ever expect, or a huge disappointment. Because, overall, I know for sure that there comes a point where you have waved your goodbyes to certain things, whether they be ideas, people, etc. and somehow the expectation, the hope, is gone.

Lately, as my mind has wandered, I mentally beat myself up, reigning myself back into the present. It’s painful at times but the thing is, there are some dreams that are meant to come to fruition but also, a good many that need to be buried. I don’t ever mean to come across as bitter. I think it’s just attempting to better categorize the chaos of my mind. I want to keep my mind so focused on hoping for what I know without a doubt is good and true, but focusing at all is a challenge and I’m continually having to redirect my mind and separate the natural deceit of my heart from what is without a doubt true. It’s frustrating to actually see how slow my progress is.

So what it is about hope? Are we, am I, just naive? If we really saw ourselves for what we are; if we really saw situations in their truest light; if we really communicated well; would this make our lives more black&white and eliminate more grey areas? I like the idea of hope, but honestly, it usually just mentally stresses me out when I actually participate.



“color my life with the chaos of trouble.”
Summer’s favorite quote, per Belle & Sebastian in (500) Days of Summer

“And secretly I want to bury in the yard
The grey remains of a friendship scarred” –the shins.

babies/sitting.

my friends are having babies.

and i'm baby-sitting.

all i can say is:


*cue song: return to sender*

works for now.

i will follow you (into the dark)

follow |ˈfälō|
verb [ trans. ]
1 go or come after (a person or thing proceeding ahead); move or travel behind : she went back into the house, and Ben followed her | [ intrans. ] he was following behind in his car.
2 come after in time or order : the six years that followed his restoration | [ intrans. ] the rates are as follows.


I've noticed the word "follow" a lot lately. it probably started because of twitter and how funny it is to me that on twitter, you don't "friend" someone like on facebook, you make the decision to "follow" them. at first I thought it was kinda creepy, but honestly, I think it's kinda cool now. and I don't mean twitter, I mean the concept of (positively) following others.

when you're little, you're instructed by your parents to be careful of merely following the crowd.
but then there's the bible and how Jesus is very clear about what it takes to follow him.
today I read in my bible luke 9:51-62.

(57-62)
"as they were walking along the road, a man said to him, 'i will follow you wherever you go.' Jesus replied, 'foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' he said to another man, 'follow me.' but the man replied, 'lord, first let me go and bury my father.' Jesus said to him, 'let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' still another said, 'i will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'"

i will follow you

so obviously there was a disconnect with these people (and with me most of the time). to follow is a great act. weighty. full of responsibility and action. to say to someone, i will follow you, is a commitment. it says, i will keep up with you. through good and bad. i will heed your words. you will clear the path, and i will walk that path after you. sure, sometimes we are meant to be the leaders and others are to follow us. but either way, there's a lot of responsibility to be said for a follower. i think i usually put the responsibility of roles on the leader, but the diligence of one who has chosen to follow is a a significant decision, too.

that being said, i pretty much hate to follow. i like to do my own thing. when i was in memphis i followed my friend J back to his house. his car was in front of me and he made sure not to leave me behind (even though i knew where i was going. ha...). i don't think i'm a good leader like that. i'm not thoughtful because i am so independent in my ways. so i would rather not lead nor follow. kinda sad...

but i think that has to do with my level of commitment... in life, in friendships, etc. and obviously that needs to change. i want to grow in commitment so that i can adequately follow and then perhaps, one day, be able to lead. but i think by Jesus asking people to follow him and them giving him an excuse, he was trying to gauge their level of commitment to the task at hand (of following). i don't think it means that they never followed him. who knows? but... i think it shows that at that point of time, it was "too much" to be asked. as i'm sitting here writing this, it makes me realize: that's what i like so much about Jesus. he shows us where we're at. it's easy to lie to ourselves and say, "but, Jesus, I will follow you!" but then he points to something that's going on in our lives and we have to be honest with ourselves and say, "yeah, you're right... i would rather go ____________" or, "but.............."

so, while it would be easy to merely the pose the question, "what's my level of commitment?" i think the more important question is, "how can i make my level of commitment more than what it is now?" because it's the action, the following, that will deepen my commitment, not just making an observation of where i'm at.

prayers for loved people.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

-Psalm 139:13-16


The Almighty Lord, who is a strong tower to all who put their trust in him, to whom all things in heaven, on earth, and under
the earth bow and obey: Be now and evermore your defense, and make you know and feel that the only Name under
heaven given for health and salvation is the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.


days like today just make things make sense, yet make them just as confusing as ever. I just keep coming back to this one thought: we have no control.
yet God is gracious, and he listens. somehow. I'll never know how it works, but I know he hears us. and we are powerless without him. so without over thinking it and without trying to figure him out, we ask. and today I ask that he gives strength, peace, and consistent feelings of love and a covering of prayer over my sweet friends and their precious baby; knowing that he is able.

honesty is the best policy.

for the past few hours, i've been reflecting... how did i become who i am today?
most days, i am proud of who i am.
i used to not feel that way at all. i somewhat despised many parts of me. i don't know what this means. but i was thinking about some of the journey to this point.
a lot of people often remark of me, that they can expect complete honesty. some of my best friends from college have always counted on me to say exactly what's on my mind. they know not to ask unless they are completely ready to hear whatever i might say. & i'm not offended. (:

however... i'm trying to figure out how i got to that point and how i've somewhat "sharpened" that ability and hope to continue to do so... so i don't abuse it or hurt people with it.

i don't know what it is about my character... but whatever it is. it doesn't take much for me to be manipulated.

for example, if someone reacts angrily towards me, i will walk on eggshells around them. instead of telling them how i feel, i'll just alter my actions. i despise confrontation. i can't do anger. even when i'm mad, i usually laugh (and usually only after a ramble of somewhat inappropriate words).

i think that's why my honest tendencies are so odd. why can i be so blatantly honest about some things yet avoid other things like the plague?

one of my friends and i are crazy over thinkers. multiple times we have asked... are we the only ones who think like this? are there others? do other people just ignore the goings on in their brains? we have yet to find an answer. but i think the answer is my quest to answer the "where do the spurts of honesty come from?" question is hidden in that wondering.

i think... that although being manipulated, letting manipulation happen, hurts -and i usually don't realize it til much later- i can handle it. and mostly, i can handle it because of this brain, matched with my emotions, that God has given me. i know, it sounds crazy. but i know how badly things can hurt and i feel things very deeply. what goes hand in hand with that is the desire to avoid hurting other people. i hurt. and i hate to think that i can (and do) hurt other people. so for the things that matter... i often leave out and avoid "honestly saying" them.

i was sitting here wondering if that sounds self-righteous. i don't mean it that way. i'm not saying that my actions are right at all. i think i could be more beneficial as a friend if i were to be honest about the things in life that truly mattered... rather than just my "opinion" about something.

but this is the only thing that keep comes back into this head:
"walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God" - ephesians 5:2.

call me a hippie, if you want. but i don't desire to ruffle your feathers. i don't. but i do want you to do what is right and good. and i want to do what is right and good. (well, most of the time. mostly, i want to want & choose more consistently to do what is right and good, despite the temptation to do otherwise). i know that a lot of "honest words" have not been delivered in love to me in the past and they make me cringe at people who confront for the hell of it without truly thinking through the most loving way to be honest and "confront." which i'm sure is also a substantial piece to my puzzle of honesty.

so the quest is to find a balance. how do i set boundaries? how do i set boundaries for people in my life who hear but don't listen? who want to be around but i'm not sure why? do i really want to be left alone?

i don't know the answer to any of those questions. but i do know this: no more passivity, enough is enough. it's time to see what courage looks like. loving-braveness.

so here is the appropriate prayer.

in times of conflict
O God, you have bound us together in a common life. Help us,
in the midst of our struggles for justice and truth, to confront
one another without hatred or bitterness, and to work
together with mutual forbearance and respect; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.

...

brain,

please wake up. you have things to do.

cuerpo

go in peace.

the other night as I was leaving my friend's apartment, she said: go in peace.

and I automatically finished: to love & serve the lord, allelulia.

it made me laugh. I think she laughed, too.

for the last couple of small group times we've had, all of us have been able to share about past hurts and how to sort of rewrite things from our pasts in order to pursue holiness.

one of my things is memorizing scripture. there was a time where I loved doing it. but for the past 2.5 years, I've just associated it to a hurtful period of my life, so I just quit doing it.

but it just dawned on me. maybe I haven't been memorizing scripture, but there are whole pieces of liturgy from being in the episcopal church that is engraved in my heart. phrases like "go in peace to love and serve the lord." and "walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself for us, an offering and sacrifice to God" (which actually is ephesians 5:2) and always thinking in my head before anyone reads a Gospel book: "glory to you, Lord Christ" and when it is finished being read: "praise to you, Lord Christ."

I know a lot of people see those things as being ritualistic, but I think that God has used those things in my life to serve as reminders to me of his constancy in my life. and I have been keeping scripture written on my heart whether I wanted to admit it or not. God knows what he's doing. definitely a theme.

the 3 Cs: compassion. corniness. and christians.

I've written about cliches in the past (ironically, another C word).

I decided that I don't mind cliches as long as the person who uses them understands what they are saying! does that make sense?

for example. for the past few months, whenever someone has said to me, "just trust God." I want to throw up. I think: what the hell does that even mean? 12 step program to trusting God, maybe? ha. nah, that would be worse. although practicality does appeal to me.

but then as I asked God, I figured it out. it's a series of events in your life that you realize that you can't control so you say, "Okay, I'll do what I can but the truth is, I'm unable. luckily, you are able so I'm not going to worry. I'm going to "trust."

so. from the trusty oxford english dictionary, I bring you: trust.

1. a. intr. To have faith or confidence; to place reliance; to confide. Const. in, to (of, on, upon).
2. a. trans. To have faith or confidence in; to rely or depend upon.
3. a. To have faith or confidence that something desired is, or will be, the case; also const. with inf. or for; to hope.

I was going to talk about corniness, but what can I say about corniness? I have two different thoughts about it.

one is, that one of my favorite quotes in a movie is from "the holiday" where iris simpkins says,
"I like corny. I'm looking for corny in my life."

loves it.

but on the other side. I hate it when people make things corny. for example, Jesus. I think that's why I love the blog
http://stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com

I like how he is able to take "silly" things that Christians are drawn to and somewhat expose those things, leading "corny Christianity" back to what it is purposed to be: good, healing, life changing stuff.

and the last topic. compassion. I'm still reading "the wounded healer" by henri nouwen. today I reading about how Christians should be full of compassion. (duh). but he took it a step deeper saying how so many ministers feel like they have to go receive all this specialized training but the danger there is that a minister will "entangle himself in the complications of his own assumed competence and use his specialism as an excuse to avoid the much more difficult task of being compassionate."

well damn. that can be some pretty hard truth. I wonder how much I have relied on "12 step program" mentalities rather than on looking into people's hearts and having compassion for them. but nouwen goes on to say, "the task of the Christian leader is to bring out the best in man and to lead him forward to a more human community...the Christian leader is called to help others affirm this great news, and to make visible in daily events the fact that behind the dirty curtain of our painful symptoms there is something great to be seen: the face of Him in whose image we are shaped." beautiful.

compassion is one of those "outside of yourself" things. I think I spend too much time looking within my own self that I don't allow time to look into the eyes of those around me to see their hurts and hearts. but it is the keeping of the eyes open, taking the time, that defines compassion. and I want to do that. not in a preconceived-get-to-the-bottom-and-then-jump-ship compassion, but the kind that says, hey, i hurt too. let's be hurt, together, in community.

when harry met sally.

Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No! But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

I watched "When Harry Met Sally" tonight for the second time in my life. I need to own that movie.

If nothing else, to replay these three lines over and over again. I think this is a lot of my problem. If I could be with whichever guy from my past right now, would I? No.... but, I mean, it's just that, he didn't want me! And that really irks me! Ha ha ha.

Gosh. Women (including myself) are ridiculous. I don't make sense. We want to be wanted. But it's more than that, too (of course it is. we are complicated creatures. ha). Yes, we want to be wanted... and probably to be wanted by guys that we would reject in a heartbeat. But we also want to be wanted by someone that we also want. Following?

Yeah, I confuse me too. But, this is my line of argument.

All that being said. I am no longer accepting applications for guy "friends." Quota = filled.

xoxo.

redeemed from the pit!

"praise the lord, o my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion" - psalm103:2-4

this is completely evident to me today.

i won't be okay with you wanting to have your cake & eat it too.

I heard this SheDaisy song on the radio the other day. I agree with the things she says she won't be. they're brilliant.


I won't be bored
I won't be ignored
Hey!

I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill

I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line



but then she says, "But I will, I will, I will be your everything - If you make me feel like a woman should"

and that's nice. today on the phone, one of my best friends said, "i think we have convinced ourselves that guys are dumb and that they don't realize what they're doing. but, we're wrong. they know exactly what they're doing. they just keep doing it anyways."

and we handout grace to them like it's nothin'. what is it with women (sadly, myself included) and HOPE. especially... false hope. we are willing to hold out until the very bitter end. I swear, some part of me thinks it is a beautiful, God-given quality. but other parts of me say, why?
why do we think we deserve less than a guy fully committing to us? it's silly, really.
we're not emotional fillers. we're not part-time girlfriends. we are way better than that.

I am not saying all of this in anger. Honest. it's more of concern. concern for me, too. I know, personally speaking, it has to do with how I view myself. part of me thinks, it's happened so many times in the past, how could I possibly avoid this happening again in the future?

but.

no.

it cannot be. I have a heart. and it will not be torn to shreds. and I will do everything I can to prevent the hearts of my friends being torn to shreds, too. yeah yeah, people learn through experience. and I did. but does NOT mean I'm exempt from repeating.

i am wounded. and i need a healer (a.k.a. the blog of quotes)

"the man who can articulate the movements of his inner life, who can give names to his varied experiences, need no longer be a victim of himself, but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from entering. he is able to create space for Him whose heart is greater than his, whose eyes see more than his, and who hands can heal more than his." - henri nouwen in "the wounded healer"

perhaps I cannot always express myself orally in the way I should like, but I think I am becoming better able to express myself through writing. it has been a long process. a lot of feelings of inadequacy as I try to put the pieces of the puzzle of my thoughts together. to try to make sense of, well, me. always. I think for the past two and a half years, I have hugely been a victim of myself. today is a great day. Easter. and it was nice to sit in church today. but, I think I expect a lot of myself at church. I expect to feel moved every time I am there, and that's not always the case. if I am not paying much attention to my heart outside of church, why would it be different inside the confines of a building?

sadly, I am the following quote:

"my life is like a disciple's nap in Gethsemane. I have promised, over and over, to be vigilant for the things of God, to be awake to Him, but I seem too spend much of my life sleeping." - lauren winters

but I think it would be one thing to just write my life off as "well, I promise, and instead I sleep." and leave it at that. but there has to be something about persistence, diligence. continuing on in the journey even when we don't "feel" like it. not that I really have an option.

and on top of that, in my small group on wednesday we talked of a lot of things-- but I shared another of nouwen's quotes that says, "the christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift."

I think that's the other expectation of myself when I enter church. I feel like that's the answer. that, even the mere fact that I attend church, will somehow erase my loneliness. and I'm disappointed when I sit there and it's still present. ha, it's ridiculous, really.
all that said...two things:

1.
"community arises where the sharing of pain takes place, not as a stifling form of self-complaint, but as a recognition of God's saving promises." -hn

and

2.
I think this was left out of the liturgy today:

Christ has died
Christ is risen
Christ will come again

alleluia & alleluia.

Lift Not The Painted Veil Which Those Who Live/Call Life

today was one of my more lazy days. and, I don't regret it.

tonight I watched the movie "the painted veil." it was... amazing.

in one part of the movie, the nun mother superior says to kitty:

"When love and duty are one, grace is within you."

as this time of Easter unfolds this weekend, that quote made a lot of sense to me. I feel like I have the duty parts of following the lord down much of the time (despite my ever present sin nature) but that sometimes the love is missing. perhaps this is because I often view love as a feeling, and it is so much more than that. but I liked how the 'mother superior' character explained her relationship with God to kitty. and I do think, that when love & duty are both present, we have the ability to extend & receive grace in a much more "natural" way. like, it flows in and out of us.

I'm easy to please when it comes to watching movies, but I would say that this movie actually impacted me... grace really does change people. I mean, love changes people, too. but I think that when you give a person grace, the love that is available there is so much deeper.

the good and the bad. (and such an ugly day! damn snow!)

the bad.
1. i had to talk finances with my dad today. i owe so much damn money. i hate money. seriously, every time i talk about my finances with my dad i do two things
a. I cry. (like clockwork.)
b. I go online and start looking for jobs so that I can have some sort of future hope that I will graduate and make some measure of money.

2. i got angry. i feel like a lot of people think that getting married and holding a full-time job = being an adult.
well. news flash. i'm a 24 year old adult with a part-time job and a full-time school load. i am an adult. and i'm not getting married anytime soon and you know what? i. am. an. adult.

the good.
1. i'm going to disney world.
and... that's for real. that is the prize i won for being a 24 year old non-married "gal."

george herbert

"Soul's joy, when thou art gone,
and I alone,
which cannot be,
because thou dost abide with me,
And I depend on thee;
Yet when thou dost supprese
The cheerfulnesse
Of thy abode,
And in my powers not stirre abroad,
But leave me to my load:
O what a damp and shade
Doth me invade!
No stormie night
Can so afflict, or so afright,
As thy eclipsed light.
Ah, Lord, do not withdraw,
Lest want of aw
Make Sinne appeare,
And when thou dost but shine lesse cleare,
Say that thou art not here.
And when what life I have,
When Sinne doth rave,
And falsy boast,
That I may seek, but thou art lost,
Thou and alone thou know'st.
O what a deadly cold
Doth me infold!
I half beleeve
That Sinne says true; but while I grieve
Thou com'st and dost relieve."
-a parodie.

march. oh, the madness.

things I like about the month of march:

st. patrick's day.
COLLEGE BASKETBALL.
better weather (even though it is supposed to rain all this week. whatever. not intimidated.)

things I don't like about the month of march:

midterm.
allergies.
constant fatigue. ha. maybe that's due to allergies?


I'd say, march 2009 has already been much more promising than any part of march 2008, allergies & all.

time never stops. for c.y.

all those postcards
conversations over tea
i never knew that your mind wasn't free

i feel much guilt
for never assuming more
not realizing your heart was so sore

a year has passed
and things remind me of you
i still pray to him and hope that you knew

a faithful friend
you listened and cared so much
i pray you always know his healing touch

he can restore
reaching the darkest places
he pulls the mind from hideous places

if only i...
i might think that forever
but he surpasses any endeavor.

so now i pray
giving all my thoughts to him
even when everything seems very dim.

he sees and knows.
he speaks tenderly to me
so i pray that in the last, you too, did see.

love.

facebook "friends"

tonight I deleted 31+ "friends" from facebook. basically, I "removed" the people who I confirmed and then they never said anything to me, never said hello, never commented on a picture, ... never tried. AND... the ones that I did the same to. hey, I don't claim innocence! (: I mean, why I did even request the friendship anyways? Seriously.

it's like, we are LAZY people. we want to keep up with people but not in a personal way. and I'm exhausted.

I think friends are one of the best gifts in the entire world. if you were in my life for awhile and then our friendship "died" - I still am usually very thankful for the time we were in each others lives. but. things change. we end up in different places geographically, emotionally, physically, etc. and here's the thing, if I have your phone number or you have mine, or you have my e-mail address and I have yours, if you want to know what's going on with me or I with you, we should talk on the phone. or send an e-mail. even a short text will do.

OR. say we were friends for awhile. and then, one of us moves. and slowly, we don't talk anymore. and then, never. so two years later, I delete you from my facebook.

but we run into each other in public. guess what? I'm still going to be thrilled to see you. and we'll catch up then. I will want to hear all about your babies and the pta you run. etc etc etc. but, I'd rather not pretend that I'm in contact with you when, in fact, we are merely awkward facebook "friends."

if you know me, you know that I'm a huge facebook fan. but, "downsizing" is my new alternative to restarting my entire facebook. I've just gotta stay strong. survival of the fittest (friends), right? ha.

the economy of mercy.

"in the economy of mercy, I am a poor and begging man....in the currency of grace, is where my song begins."

I was in the city earlier today with my aunt & cousin and we were asked repeatedly for money by homeless people. as believers, we all struggled with whether to give or not to give. none of us really felt led in any way to give, but didn't want to lie either, ya know?
but in the city, you're just bombarded over and over...
and it's easy to become completely numb to the brokenness of the world.

on the train back I was listening to my ipod on shuffle and the switchfoot song "economy of mercy" came on. my soul perked up a bit when I heard the line, "in the economy of mercy, I am a poor and begging man."

my mind attempted to pull pieces together, as if trying to put together a huge puzzle. then I heard the line, "we are bruised and broken masterpieces, but we did not paint ourselves."

I can't sit here and pretend to know anything at all of life on the streets or the pathway that leads to begging. but I have seen this... there's something about persistence.

I fail him over and over again. I deny him and feel such deep shame. I walk up to him time and again and ask, "could you spare me some mercy?" and he reaches out & pours grace into my beggar's cup. then, I forget the value of the grace he gave me. and I say again, "could you spare me some mercy?" and he once again gives me grace.

this week I keep coming back to the story of the prodigal son. and I think there's something with that, too. but that's for another day.

marriage.

when I think about getting married, I think about how I would no longer need to look for a roommate/roommates & how we would find a nice 1-bedroom apartment to live in....even though I'm 24. ha.

but I have friends who are getting married who bought a house. a HOUSE.

wow. that just seems so grown up...ya know??

un dia a la playa.

today was beautiful. all of it.
woke up, went to the beach, took in much sunshine, talked to my mom for hours, watched my dad surf.

it was nice to just sit & I feel like I'll go back to the W with a renewed spirit. I haven't really looked forward to returning somewhere in a good while... I had a rough patch in the W for a bit but I think things are looking up.

... I think I had forgotten how much I loved a good adventure... and that's what the W is! I should probably remember that.

as for deeper thoughts:

I'm trying to figure out when is it time to just let things go... as in, leaving the past in the past or if it means something that things keep resurfacing and if I should seek it out.
(no, this is has absolutely nothing to do with guys, actually. ha. knowing me, it probably normally would... but not this time around at all)

I would say it's safe to say I have a lot of broken things in my past & I wonder if I am just to resolve things on my side as best as possible, or to bring it up to the other involved parties.

I think this is where the topic of facebook friendships gets to me. like, why do certain people want to be your "friend" even when your true 'in life' friendship doesn't exist? what is it about keeping up with people?

I thought about this earlier when my parents were on their facebooks earlier tonight. They VERY easily press that "reject" button. They know nothing of/care nothing for the idea of facebook+networking. Maybe it's because they're settled in one place geographically so they have little chance of running into people. Or maybe, they just don't care. Either way, it has been somewhat refreshing. I still can't really press the reject button, but I'm nearing that point.

but even with that being said, I still have quite a few people that come to mind who aren't even facebook people and I wonder... "is it time to stop trying?" or "should I contact them?"

I don't know the answer. I would say, until then I won't. But some people I am still in brief (and I mean BRIEF) contact with... random texts and such and I say, "Why do I bother?"

I feel like my life according to this past year has been set to the song "let go." I mean, the words aren't exactly identical, but that whole idea of "letting go." Why do we hold on? Is there purpose to that? Is it merely stubbornness? I lean more towards the latter rather than the former.... but only because I'm me and I'm one of "those people" that is dead set on knowing every motive of my heart and mind, if possible. Not gonna lie, it's quite the task. And I'm not always confident that I'm up to the challenge.

almost there.

I am so close to spring break that I can taste it... yet still much to do.

but I thought this was worth noting.

I talked to my mom earlier today. a few months ago I handed her "a severe mercy" and I said: please please read this.

she's so busy with teaching & all that it has taken her a while to get to "the good stuff." but today on the phone she told me that this past weekend when she and my dad were at the beach, she decided to read it aloud on the car ride back. she said that she started crying at one part.

I finished reading it sometime in september after lindsay suggested I read it. I remember sitting down by a pier on the potomac, just sitting on the ground and weeping. I was crying so much I had to force myself to stop so that I could keep going... the pages were so blurry but I wiped my eyes over and over and persisted.

two things:
1. crying outside... in nature... is highly recommended by me. I think usually, when I get upset, it's done in my bedroom. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. but it's just so sad when you really think about it. crying, by yourself? Crying in general is such a vulnerable thing. but crying outside doesn't feel sad. it feels natural. maybe because my 'mother earth' tendencies just think nature is beautiful. so laugh all you want. I cry. and I think nature is beautiful. so whatever. I'm judging myself now, I think. ha.
2. I loved that my mom cried in the same book as me! as soon as she said it, I felt a bond to her. Okay maybe that's a lie. I already feel bonded to her. I mean, she's my mom. She birthed me, if you know what I mean. but it was nice to feel that comfort of connecting with her in a different way. it was a lovely moment.

okay. back to work. paige-- no more status messages-- I can't monitor your facebook behavior. ha (:

michael scott & the you must like me complex.

kel told me awhile back that I needn't be michael scott.

and then I read this quote.

"[Joy] has to do with a deep experience - an experience of Christ. In the quiet listening of prayer, we learn to make out the voice that says, 'I love you, whoever else likes you or not. You are mine. Build your home in me as I have built my home in you.'"
- Henri Nouwen

((hebrews 3:3-6 is much like this quote, too. or rather, this quote is like hebrews 3:3-6. (: ))

I have these issues... and somedays I'm really overwhelmed by my life junk. I say, "sad day. I am unlovable. I want to change. but I cannot." I always think, if recognition is the first step... what's the second step? as verbal as I feel I am, sometimes everything gets stuck inside of me and I don't know what to say!

nevertheless, we are his. i am his. and he likes me. even loves me.


"let each one find thee mighty to save."

the hamburger.

Lindsay sent me this book in the mail called "Turn my Mourning into Dancing" by Henri Nouwen.

this quote in the book really struck me:

"it takes sustained effort to reclaim my whole past as the concrete way God has led me to this moment."

it's in a chapter that is talking about how we often try to only remember the good from the past & try to forget the bad/hurtful from the past. I am guilty of doing this. I think, "If I can just forget that.... I'll feel better." but I don't. or I can't forget. or I only remember bits & pieces because I repressed it so it's harder for me to make sense of the hurt.

Nouwen talks about how it's important to gain an attitude of gratitude for what has happened and to see God's hand in bringing us to where we currently are. he says how much better it would be if we walked through suffering rather than trying to avoid it at all cost.

sometimes it takes awhile, but it seems that things always come together for me eventually. lately I've been thinking about how I can have a better attitude towards people in my life - especially people who I used to be close to in my past. when I was going through things, I did everything I could to avoid the pain, confrontation, etc. but it always comes back up. sometimes i think it's because I have too much time on my hands... but as Nouwen said, "...God has led me to this moment" so perhaps the amount of time that has been specifically alloted to me is to learn how to walk through and not around .

my favorite food.

i need a hamburger.

to be continued.

need, want, and the independent woman.

today I had coffee with Susan.

she's in her 40s. one of my classmates. loves basketball. lived in Indonesia for over twenty years.

we talked for over two hours! it was wonderful. she told me about life in Indonesia, and her husband and sons, and loneliness, and the need for community. I love talking to women who are older than me. it really makes me so happy.

I asked her (of course) how she and her husband got together. he's also in our class. they are extremely different. she is obviously an extrovert and he is obviously an introvert. I was curious as to how they got together.

you know how long it took for them to happen?

one. month.

she said they hung out for about three weeks when he said, "I love you." and do you know what she said? "I respect you for saying that to me. And I admire you so much. But I'm not ready to tell you that."

[[ she went up about twenty points in my book at this point. I love that she was honest & not playing games. ]]

about three days later, he bought her her favorite roses (which she had only casually mentioned but he had paid attention), and told her he wanted to marry her. even though she still hadn't said I love you back to him.

she said she needed time to think and pray about it. and told him she'd tell him by a certain time on a certain day. she made a list of pros and cons and said there were plenty on both sides.

she said such a neat thing...

"I knew I didn't need him, but I did want that depth of relationship."

and it made me feel so nice to hear her say that because I keep wrestling with my own ability to be independent & the desire to have that depth of relationship with another human. I sometimes feel guilty for loving my independence so much and even more than that.... for being good at being independent. And sometimes I hate it because I think that's what will prevent me from being in a relationship with someone one day. but. today was good affirmation for me. ONCE AGAIN. that it's God's timing. And I just need to stop fighting it.

the passionate shepherd to his love. by c. marlowe

" COME live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield.

There will we sit upon the rocks 5
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

There will I make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies, 10
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle.

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair linèd slippers for the cold, 15
With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my Love. 20

Thy silver dishes for thy meat
As precious as the gods do eat,
Shall on an ivory table be
Prepared each day for thee and me.

The shepherd swains shall dance and sing 25
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my Love. "

sometimes, I am doing nothing, and I hear in my head the first two lines of this poem:
"COME live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove"

something about the flow of it CAPTURES me & then I have to look up the poem and read (usually aloud) all of it.
oh christopher marlowe. I like you.

soneto xvii de mi vida.

I had a weird flashback tonight in class. Dr. M was talking about teachers we had in the past who prepared us for exams/tests and gave us assessments directly related to what we had learned.

Even though British Literature II was not my favorite class in college due to Professor I’s crazy teaching antics, his assessments were incredibly fair.
I was thinking about how he gave us three essay topics that we were to prepare for but only one of which we would actually be writing on for our essay exam.
It led me to think about how the topic we wrote on was chosen.
professor I wanted to make sure that it was chosen as randomly as possible… assuring us that it would be so as he sipped out of his coffee cup, rumored to not be full of coffee.

Each student in class had a number next to our name in the grading book. So he picked a number. I don’t remember what number. Say, three. Then he had person #3 pick another number. Maybe they said eight. I’m not sure.
And person #8 was e. Professor I said, “Okay, e, pick a number. That’s the person that gets to pick the essay topic out of the hat.” He picked some number in the twenties. It was me. I was the number.

Everyone laughed because e and I talked constantly, walked to and from class together, probably thought we were together. What are the "odds?" ha.
One usually thinks of random number calling as being unrelated, random in every sense of the word, and yet everyone saw the silliness and irony of Professor I’s random essay choosing “system.”

A was in that class. She was one of the people who somewhat raised her eyebrows when Professor I said my name as being “the” number. She always told me that me and e were fated to be together, and gave little Finnish sayings to validate her opinion. If I had known what would ensue over the following six months, I might have thrown up on the spot. But I didn’t. I laughed with everyone else.

I don’t know why that part of things came up tonight.

As I’ve dealt with singleness and thought about past and current hurts, it’s been good to remember that whatever I wanted so badly in the past, no matter how much it hurt to let it go, I did eventually let it go.
In my current state, tonight in class, when all of this flooded into my head, I thought, “This too shall pass.”

I don’t have to grow cold in order to watch what I think I want drift away. I don’t even have to mope around. I can. And I probably will. But there was a lot of freedom in recalling my former admiration and affection for e. And the wide eyes we both had at the irony of the number he picked being mine. It makes me remember the excitement of the idea of fate and that initial and lingering attraction to another person. That feeling that it’s perfectly okay to be silly and to feel silly.

Sure, it makes me sad. I don’t even really like talking about it. And it really angered me the other night when someone brought him up. Maybe he thinks it’s odd that it still bothers me. I don’t feel hurt from it, but past wounds still ache when prodded by the wrong person.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the type of environment I want to create for my students to learn. I keep going back to the same word: value.
I want my students to feel valued by me. I want them to know without a doubt that I am on their side and that I know that they can succeed in learning English.

Every time I am called Teacher or Maestra, my heart gets bigger. It’s amazing. It’s an honor to be called those words. It helps me know that they value me.

And that’s where my wounds so often come from. A sense of feeling devalued by another person. It should never happen. But it does.

One of my favorite poems says,
“Te amo sin saber como, ni cuando, ni de donde.”
(I love you without knowing how, or when, or where)

And I would have to add,
“Te olvido sin saber como, ni cuando, ni de donde.”
(I forget you without knowing how, or when, or where)

Because it seems that it is in the forgetting, or rather, the decision to not dwell, the moving on, that I find the strength to find and recognize value and being valued and valuing others and all what life is. And that, is healing.

...

amy, this is mainly for you. for a lot of different reasons. but mostly because you're my only blog follower. (:

i'm lying here in my bed and i'm really sad. you know why. i'm exhausted by this inward battle but don't know how to win it. it's so easy yet the hardest thing. my mind goes crazy and i just want to disappear.
the only thing that repeats in my head is, "i need jesus. i need jesus. i need jesus." over and over and over again.
and what does that even mean?
i ask that a lot lately.
'trust god.'
what does that mean?
or more, how does one make a decision to do that?

O Love that will not let me go...
why won't you let me go? why do you hold on?

i know he has marked me. the label that i most identify in the bible is somewhere in the old testament, probably in one of the prophet books, where is says something like, "you are mine." i think that is my special word with god. i am his. he looks at me and says, 'mine.'

and i try to do that with things i want in my life. i look at them and say, 'mine.' but they aren't mine. they're his, too.

i need jesus. yes. i do. but more than that. i need to want jesus more than anything else. holding nothing back.

i wish i could say that this realization makes me the sadness disappear. but although it sheds light, it's still there. it's like the poem on my wall which reads,

"I will complain, yet praise,
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sowre-sweet dayes,
I will lament, and love."

i don't know how to be strong. and intellectually i know, "when i am weak, he is strong." but i need to know this in my heart and believe it. and i want to. and i hope it happens. because, i can't.