the battle for the mind.

today has been glum. I woke up, looked out my window, and it didn't look much different from when I went to sleep last night. Dark.
I'm a huge fan of the sun. but just as when I am battling depressive tendencies, it's difficult to remember what the sun feels like on my skin and how it makes me feel when it isn't there.
I was reminded of that this morning as I sat in class.
Dr. M told us the story of his roommate in college who took his own life.

We've been talking about forgiveness a lot lately. I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what it looks like to have forgiven someone. Even though it was the topic of forgiveness, and by topic I mean chapter in a book entitled "Forgiveness," that ultimately led me to follow Jesus, forgiveness and unforgiveness still loom in my heart and mind. What does it look like? Have I forgiven that person? Have I forgiven myself?

Sometimes you don't know whether or not you have forgiven someone until you are put into a situation with them where it is absolutely and sometimes embarrassingly apparent that you haven't.

I felt that way this morning in class. As we've talked about forgiveness in the last couple of weeks, I've searched my heart and actively prayed about people I need to forgive. It's been incredibly cleansing to see me as I am: an unforgiver. One who is forgiven but still, an unforgiver.

But as Dr. M taught, I thought I would have to leave class to go vomit. When Dr. M told the story of his roommate, almost immediately C came to my mind. I struggled with hundreds of thoughts that flooded into my head concerning her and what led her down the path of taking her own life. Dr. M said something about how we can never truly know what someone is thinking or feeling. We can only go off what they communicate to us.

But my mind kept taking me to the verse I heard in church on Sunday.

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

And I broke on the inside. I felt once again that I had failed C. I had no idea anything was wrong. I've tried to forgive myself over and over. I know it's a choice but I just feel guilty. I wasn't a woman of understanding and I didn't know her heart. I lost focus and all day I've just reflected on it.

I still talk to God about her. And sometimes, she's in my dreams. Not in a weird way. But in a way where I've been able to work out the grief and pain that have surrounded knowing how her short life ended.

I see the postcards that she sent me over the years and I'm reminded of my sweet friend. I pray for her when I see them. Sometimes I don't know if what I say to God about her makes any sense, but I know he gets it.

It's just, it still hurts and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I still hurt for her and the pain she felt. I can't find a way to conclude this that ties it up nicely because it isn't nice. C's death wasn't nice. but that's the reality. david's words are better, anyways:

"though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." -psalm 71:20



Almighty God, who is the only One who can truly know the purposes of our hearts, grant us understanding and compassion for your people as we seek to share in the deep sufferings of the heart, that we may be the hands and feet of your body, telling your people of your unfailing love and faithfulness, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.



May God make us men and women of understanding who can draw out the deep waters of purpose in the hearts of those we love. Amen.