"I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay,a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you." "Then it was you who wounded Aravis?" "It was I." "But what for?" "Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no-one any story but his own ." "Who are you?" asked Shasta. "Myself," said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again "Myself," loud and clear and gay: then the third time"Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly
hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it."

from The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis


Friday, November 20, 2009

because he is at my right hand.

today has been a heavy day. I'm not sure exactly what happened but there were enough adverse elements that combined to send me over the edge. up until an hour before I left for work, I was a wreck. I started breathing funny and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. everything was so tight. breathing, one of the functions of the body that is done involuntary, seemed too difficult.

today just felt so hopeless. I began to doubt why I am in the W; asking, what's the point? how will I be able to provide for myself after all this? what's it all for? does what I am training to be and do even matter? I sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness. it's been awhile since I've had a day like today.

upon coming home tonight, I remembered parts of psalm 16. "I have set the Lord always before me. because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices, my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave..."

I think the human body and the mind are crazy. I do. when my breathing became short, I started thinking about my lungs. thinking about their function and how they assist me every moment is incredible. but also, how what is going on in my heart and mind can influence how my body functions. it's fascinating... but it's also scary.

I think it's scary because we're hesitant to believe that the life of the mind is so deeply interconnected with our bodies. even the nurse at the health clinic, when I asked her if she thought I was experiencing an anxiety attack, quickly evaded my inquiry. why is it so hard to believe that what we are experiencing in life, whether it be stress from school or work, or family issues, or financial difficulties, could directly influence how our bodies operate?

just like when a high temperature indicates an infection, aren't other physical maladies indicative of something, too? I'm not trying to over spiritualize my situation. but at the same time, I don't think it's too far fetched to consider that what our bodies go through could be a way for G to redirect our attention.

it's like that quote by j.c. ryle that I've liked since summer before last.

"it is necessary to study morbid anatomy, if we would understand health. the ground must be cleared of rubbish before we build."

my body also will rest secure.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)