after the fact.

a few years ago, I started thinking that I asked too many people their thoughts on what I should do. even Dr. P said to me the other day, that because of my personality type, I'm more likely to crave good opinions from other people. she is definitely right about me. but a few years ago, I thought, who do I turn to first? G? or family? or friends?

I think in different seasons of my life it's different. but I feel like it's a huge battle to know and understand the mind of G for our lives. earlier I thought of the verse in Proverbs 11 that says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure." I know the proverbs seem to be so individual and often on the surface seem to contradict each other. but I was talking to baby K on the phone earlier and it hit me: why is it okay to make decisions without the wise council of others around us?
is it okay?
if lack of guidance makes an entire nation fall, what does that mean for me as one person within a nation or group?

fear is such a destroyer of good things G has set up for us, which is what I think must be the reason that holds us back from including others in decisions we make. we're so afraid that the people we love won't agree with what we're doing that we wait until after our decision is made to tell people so they just have to accept what it is that we've decided.

I know I've done this in my past a lot. probably in my present a bit, too, although I am too close to see it right now. I feel tugged in a lot of different directions. a lot of times I feel I could be happy in so many different decisions that it's difficult to know which way is best. but even if the motives of those around me are tainted (and we're human, so they always are a bit), I want to continue to grow in knowing wholeheartedly that I'm not responsible for them; I'm only responsible for me and the decisions I ultimately make.

however. I say all that and then I think about what I just read in Thomas Merton's book ( no man is an island ). I can't remember exactly what he says, but from what I remember, he basically said that because of the body of C, his successes belong to the entire community, but his failures also belong to them. what was done in the past influences his present circumstances, just as his current actions influence those far into the future. it was a lot for me to think about.

so yes, our decisions are our decisions but at the same time, they're not at all. I don't think we should make decisions exclusively because someone else wants us to make the decision they deem best, but consider what our decisions mean for the larger group.

responsibility in decision making is rough.