resisting sleep.

sometimes I think we stay awake just because we feel like we have to.
because to go to bed at 9pm seems silly.
when really, we end up staying up late... often to do nothing.

what do we have to prove?

divine appointments.

I love my mom. I love that she uses spiritual cliches, if you will, but I love how at the end of the day, I cling to them.

cliché |klēˈ sh ā kli-; ˈklēˌ sh ā| (also cliche)
noun
1 a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought : the old cliché “one man's meat is another man's poison.”
• a very predictable or unoriginal thing or person : each building is a mishmash of tired clichés.

Lindsay told me a few weeks ago that someone told her that we tend to reject cliches, but cliches are used because they express truth, and truth that is wrapped up in a familiar package, i.e. a saying we know by heart due to repetition.
I've rolled my eyes more than once when I've heard a cliche but for me, usually nothing is worse than spiritual cliches. Maybe this is a horrible thing to admit and I have a hard time writing it because I sound like I'm blaspheming. but alas, I use them too, much to my chagrin.

I don't know when the last time I heard my mom say it, but she loves to talk about "divine appointments."

she's not the only one either... I remember the pastor of a church I used to attend say it too. I definitely consider it a cliche. "well, that was just a divine appointment!" however. I think I had one last night.

I've been feeling pretty down about different things lately... I have this fear of getting left behind & never feeling like I am apart of something... pariahphobia, perhaps? sadly, and of course, it has to do with relationships.

I'm 24 now. when my parents were my age, they had been married to each other for four years. when my grandparents were my age, they had been married for five years. and when my great-grandparents were my age, they had been married for six years. I know we live in a different time but the pressures remain and only intensify as I get older.

so last night I was at school on a break between the two classes I teach and one of my fellow teachers basically stops me in the middle of the hall and just starts talking to me. I don't really know what we started talking about...oh yes, moving. I told her about how I was planning to start grad school in January so I'd be leaving Virginia and Martha just started encouraging me.. she said, "You are young and beautiful and smart and you're going to do great...don't give into the pressure to find someone and get married. It'll come when it is supposed to...so many of my friends gave into the pressure to marry and now they're divorced. I was the last one of my friends to marry but now we are so so happy and I have a beautiful daughter. My husband, he is wonderful, he listens to me. Make sure you wait for the man that listens to you. He respects me and we enjoy our time together so much." She went on to tell me about how she and her friend, when they were single, committed to praying together that God would give them husbands in his timing and that they wouldn't push anything to happen with a man that wasn't what God wanted for them. She kept saying to resist the pressure.

And although I DO want to get married and have babies, it is so obvious that the timing is not right now and what I'm really feeling is pressure. I don't know where it comes from... maybe it comes from me and the expectations I put on myself or prior expectations I put on myself for where I would be when I was 24. I'm not sure...but I am sure that the conversation with Martha was exactly what I needed to hear...and the Lord is good that way.

as for this season of my life:

Isaiah 40:31

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength."

gradually not suddenly, at least for some of us.

I read this today:

Psalm 89:1-18
vs. 15

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord."

learned hebrew: yada. verb. to know; learn to know, to be acquainted.

I love that it is about learning. that God gives us time to get to know him, to reach the point of knowing him and learning how to acclaim him. it made me think of Philippians 3:10 .

"I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death..."

know greek: ginosko. verb. to learn to know, come to know, to understand.

although I want to become more like him, I find a lot of peace knowing that it doesn't all happen at once- it is a long term commitment to finding more out about him.

the glue.

sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure that everything flows perfectly.
with my friendships, I sometimes don't say anything because I don't want to disturb the peace.
with my family, I feel pressure to make sure that everyone has warm fuzzy feelings for each other so that our time together is edifying and beneficial to all.
it freaks me out a bit. I understand that realistically I cannot do much to prevent or encourage things from going the way they are intended to go and life is so much bigger than what I can contribute or control.
as I was thinking all these thoughts earlier this line came into my head: "you hold all things together" and I googled it to help me remember where in the bible I had read that before.

Colossians 1:16-17
"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together ."