i will follow you (into the dark)

follow |ˈfälō|
verb [ trans. ]
1 go or come after (a person or thing proceeding ahead); move or travel behind : she went back into the house, and Ben followed her | [ intrans. ] he was following behind in his car.
2 come after in time or order : the six years that followed his restoration | [ intrans. ] the rates are as follows.


I've noticed the word "follow" a lot lately. it probably started because of twitter and how funny it is to me that on twitter, you don't "friend" someone like on facebook, you make the decision to "follow" them. at first I thought it was kinda creepy, but honestly, I think it's kinda cool now. and I don't mean twitter, I mean the concept of (positively) following others.

when you're little, you're instructed by your parents to be careful of merely following the crowd.
but then there's the bible and how Jesus is very clear about what it takes to follow him.
today I read in my bible luke 9:51-62.

(57-62)
"as they were walking along the road, a man said to him, 'i will follow you wherever you go.' Jesus replied, 'foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.' he said to another man, 'follow me.' but the man replied, 'lord, first let me go and bury my father.' Jesus said to him, 'let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.' still another said, 'i will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'"

i will follow you

so obviously there was a disconnect with these people (and with me most of the time). to follow is a great act. weighty. full of responsibility and action. to say to someone, i will follow you, is a commitment. it says, i will keep up with you. through good and bad. i will heed your words. you will clear the path, and i will walk that path after you. sure, sometimes we are meant to be the leaders and others are to follow us. but either way, there's a lot of responsibility to be said for a follower. i think i usually put the responsibility of roles on the leader, but the diligence of one who has chosen to follow is a a significant decision, too.

that being said, i pretty much hate to follow. i like to do my own thing. when i was in memphis i followed my friend J back to his house. his car was in front of me and he made sure not to leave me behind (even though i knew where i was going. ha...). i don't think i'm a good leader like that. i'm not thoughtful because i am so independent in my ways. so i would rather not lead nor follow. kinda sad...

but i think that has to do with my level of commitment... in life, in friendships, etc. and obviously that needs to change. i want to grow in commitment so that i can adequately follow and then perhaps, one day, be able to lead. but i think by Jesus asking people to follow him and them giving him an excuse, he was trying to gauge their level of commitment to the task at hand (of following). i don't think it means that they never followed him. who knows? but... i think it shows that at that point of time, it was "too much" to be asked. as i'm sitting here writing this, it makes me realize: that's what i like so much about Jesus. he shows us where we're at. it's easy to lie to ourselves and say, "but, Jesus, I will follow you!" but then he points to something that's going on in our lives and we have to be honest with ourselves and say, "yeah, you're right... i would rather go ____________" or, "but.............."

so, while it would be easy to merely the pose the question, "what's my level of commitment?" i think the more important question is, "how can i make my level of commitment more than what it is now?" because it's the action, the following, that will deepen my commitment, not just making an observation of where i'm at.

prayers for loved people.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

-Psalm 139:13-16


The Almighty Lord, who is a strong tower to all who put their trust in him, to whom all things in heaven, on earth, and under
the earth bow and obey: Be now and evermore your defense, and make you know and feel that the only Name under
heaven given for health and salvation is the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.


days like today just make things make sense, yet make them just as confusing as ever. I just keep coming back to this one thought: we have no control.
yet God is gracious, and he listens. somehow. I'll never know how it works, but I know he hears us. and we are powerless without him. so without over thinking it and without trying to figure him out, we ask. and today I ask that he gives strength, peace, and consistent feelings of love and a covering of prayer over my sweet friends and their precious baby; knowing that he is able.

honesty is the best policy.

for the past few hours, i've been reflecting... how did i become who i am today?
most days, i am proud of who i am.
i used to not feel that way at all. i somewhat despised many parts of me. i don't know what this means. but i was thinking about some of the journey to this point.
a lot of people often remark of me, that they can expect complete honesty. some of my best friends from college have always counted on me to say exactly what's on my mind. they know not to ask unless they are completely ready to hear whatever i might say. & i'm not offended. (:

however... i'm trying to figure out how i got to that point and how i've somewhat "sharpened" that ability and hope to continue to do so... so i don't abuse it or hurt people with it.

i don't know what it is about my character... but whatever it is. it doesn't take much for me to be manipulated.

for example, if someone reacts angrily towards me, i will walk on eggshells around them. instead of telling them how i feel, i'll just alter my actions. i despise confrontation. i can't do anger. even when i'm mad, i usually laugh (and usually only after a ramble of somewhat inappropriate words).

i think that's why my honest tendencies are so odd. why can i be so blatantly honest about some things yet avoid other things like the plague?

one of my friends and i are crazy over thinkers. multiple times we have asked... are we the only ones who think like this? are there others? do other people just ignore the goings on in their brains? we have yet to find an answer. but i think the answer is my quest to answer the "where do the spurts of honesty come from?" question is hidden in that wondering.

i think... that although being manipulated, letting manipulation happen, hurts -and i usually don't realize it til much later- i can handle it. and mostly, i can handle it because of this brain, matched with my emotions, that God has given me. i know, it sounds crazy. but i know how badly things can hurt and i feel things very deeply. what goes hand in hand with that is the desire to avoid hurting other people. i hurt. and i hate to think that i can (and do) hurt other people. so for the things that matter... i often leave out and avoid "honestly saying" them.

i was sitting here wondering if that sounds self-righteous. i don't mean it that way. i'm not saying that my actions are right at all. i think i could be more beneficial as a friend if i were to be honest about the things in life that truly mattered... rather than just my "opinion" about something.

but this is the only thing that keep comes back into this head:
"walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God" - ephesians 5:2.

call me a hippie, if you want. but i don't desire to ruffle your feathers. i don't. but i do want you to do what is right and good. and i want to do what is right and good. (well, most of the time. mostly, i want to want & choose more consistently to do what is right and good, despite the temptation to do otherwise). i know that a lot of "honest words" have not been delivered in love to me in the past and they make me cringe at people who confront for the hell of it without truly thinking through the most loving way to be honest and "confront." which i'm sure is also a substantial piece to my puzzle of honesty.

so the quest is to find a balance. how do i set boundaries? how do i set boundaries for people in my life who hear but don't listen? who want to be around but i'm not sure why? do i really want to be left alone?

i don't know the answer to any of those questions. but i do know this: no more passivity, enough is enough. it's time to see what courage looks like. loving-braveness.

so here is the appropriate prayer.

in times of conflict
O God, you have bound us together in a common life. Help us,
in the midst of our struggles for justice and truth, to confront
one another without hatred or bitterness, and to work
together with mutual forbearance and respect; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.