...

amy, this is mainly for you. for a lot of different reasons. but mostly because you're my only blog follower. (:

i'm lying here in my bed and i'm really sad. you know why. i'm exhausted by this inward battle but don't know how to win it. it's so easy yet the hardest thing. my mind goes crazy and i just want to disappear.
the only thing that repeats in my head is, "i need jesus. i need jesus. i need jesus." over and over and over again.
and what does that even mean?
i ask that a lot lately.
'trust god.'
what does that mean?
or more, how does one make a decision to do that?

O Love that will not let me go...
why won't you let me go? why do you hold on?

i know he has marked me. the label that i most identify in the bible is somewhere in the old testament, probably in one of the prophet books, where is says something like, "you are mine." i think that is my special word with god. i am his. he looks at me and says, 'mine.'

and i try to do that with things i want in my life. i look at them and say, 'mine.' but they aren't mine. they're his, too.

i need jesus. yes. i do. but more than that. i need to want jesus more than anything else. holding nothing back.

i wish i could say that this realization makes me the sadness disappear. but although it sheds light, it's still there. it's like the poem on my wall which reads,

"I will complain, yet praise,
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sowre-sweet dayes,
I will lament, and love."

i don't know how to be strong. and intellectually i know, "when i am weak, he is strong." but i need to know this in my heart and believe it. and i want to. and i hope it happens. because, i can't.