honesty is the best policy.

for the past few hours, i've been reflecting... how did i become who i am today?
most days, i am proud of who i am.
i used to not feel that way at all. i somewhat despised many parts of me. i don't know what this means. but i was thinking about some of the journey to this point.
a lot of people often remark of me, that they can expect complete honesty. some of my best friends from college have always counted on me to say exactly what's on my mind. they know not to ask unless they are completely ready to hear whatever i might say. & i'm not offended. (:

however... i'm trying to figure out how i got to that point and how i've somewhat "sharpened" that ability and hope to continue to do so... so i don't abuse it or hurt people with it.

i don't know what it is about my character... but whatever it is. it doesn't take much for me to be manipulated.

for example, if someone reacts angrily towards me, i will walk on eggshells around them. instead of telling them how i feel, i'll just alter my actions. i despise confrontation. i can't do anger. even when i'm mad, i usually laugh (and usually only after a ramble of somewhat inappropriate words).

i think that's why my honest tendencies are so odd. why can i be so blatantly honest about some things yet avoid other things like the plague?

one of my friends and i are crazy over thinkers. multiple times we have asked... are we the only ones who think like this? are there others? do other people just ignore the goings on in their brains? we have yet to find an answer. but i think the answer is my quest to answer the "where do the spurts of honesty come from?" question is hidden in that wondering.

i think... that although being manipulated, letting manipulation happen, hurts -and i usually don't realize it til much later- i can handle it. and mostly, i can handle it because of this brain, matched with my emotions, that God has given me. i know, it sounds crazy. but i know how badly things can hurt and i feel things very deeply. what goes hand in hand with that is the desire to avoid hurting other people. i hurt. and i hate to think that i can (and do) hurt other people. so for the things that matter... i often leave out and avoid "honestly saying" them.

i was sitting here wondering if that sounds self-righteous. i don't mean it that way. i'm not saying that my actions are right at all. i think i could be more beneficial as a friend if i were to be honest about the things in life that truly mattered... rather than just my "opinion" about something.

but this is the only thing that keep comes back into this head:
"walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God" - ephesians 5:2.

call me a hippie, if you want. but i don't desire to ruffle your feathers. i don't. but i do want you to do what is right and good. and i want to do what is right and good. (well, most of the time. mostly, i want to want & choose more consistently to do what is right and good, despite the temptation to do otherwise). i know that a lot of "honest words" have not been delivered in love to me in the past and they make me cringe at people who confront for the hell of it without truly thinking through the most loving way to be honest and "confront." which i'm sure is also a substantial piece to my puzzle of honesty.

so the quest is to find a balance. how do i set boundaries? how do i set boundaries for people in my life who hear but don't listen? who want to be around but i'm not sure why? do i really want to be left alone?

i don't know the answer to any of those questions. but i do know this: no more passivity, enough is enough. it's time to see what courage looks like. loving-braveness.

so here is the appropriate prayer.

in times of conflict
O God, you have bound us together in a common life. Help us,
in the midst of our struggles for justice and truth, to confront
one another without hatred or bitterness, and to work
together with mutual forbearance and respect; through Jesus
Christ our Lord. Amen.