after the fact.

a few years ago, I started thinking that I asked too many people their thoughts on what I should do. even Dr. P said to me the other day, that because of my personality type, I'm more likely to crave good opinions from other people. she is definitely right about me. but a few years ago, I thought, who do I turn to first? G? or family? or friends?

I think in different seasons of my life it's different. but I feel like it's a huge battle to know and understand the mind of G for our lives. earlier I thought of the verse in Proverbs 11 that says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure." I know the proverbs seem to be so individual and often on the surface seem to contradict each other. but I was talking to baby K on the phone earlier and it hit me: why is it okay to make decisions without the wise council of others around us?
is it okay?
if lack of guidance makes an entire nation fall, what does that mean for me as one person within a nation or group?

fear is such a destroyer of good things G has set up for us, which is what I think must be the reason that holds us back from including others in decisions we make. we're so afraid that the people we love won't agree with what we're doing that we wait until after our decision is made to tell people so they just have to accept what it is that we've decided.

I know I've done this in my past a lot. probably in my present a bit, too, although I am too close to see it right now. I feel tugged in a lot of different directions. a lot of times I feel I could be happy in so many different decisions that it's difficult to know which way is best. but even if the motives of those around me are tainted (and we're human, so they always are a bit), I want to continue to grow in knowing wholeheartedly that I'm not responsible for them; I'm only responsible for me and the decisions I ultimately make.

however. I say all that and then I think about what I just read in Thomas Merton's book ( no man is an island ). I can't remember exactly what he says, but from what I remember, he basically said that because of the body of C, his successes belong to the entire community, but his failures also belong to them. what was done in the past influences his present circumstances, just as his current actions influence those far into the future. it was a lot for me to think about.

so yes, our decisions are our decisions but at the same time, they're not at all. I don't think we should make decisions exclusively because someone else wants us to make the decision they deem best, but consider what our decisions mean for the larger group.

responsibility in decision making is rough.

because he is at my right hand.

today has been a heavy day. I'm not sure exactly what happened but there were enough adverse elements that combined to send me over the edge. up until an hour before I left for work, I was a wreck. I started breathing funny and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. everything was so tight. breathing, one of the functions of the body that is done involuntary, seemed too difficult.

today just felt so hopeless. I began to doubt why I am in the W; asking, what's the point? how will I be able to provide for myself after all this? what's it all for? does what I am training to be and do even matter? I sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness. it's been awhile since I've had a day like today.

upon coming home tonight, I remembered parts of psalm 16. "I have set the Lord always before me. because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices, my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave..."

I think the human body and the mind are crazy. I do. when my breathing became short, I started thinking about my lungs. thinking about their function and how they assist me every moment is incredible. but also, how what is going on in my heart and mind can influence how my body functions. it's fascinating... but it's also scary.

I think it's scary because we're hesitant to believe that the life of the mind is so deeply interconnected with our bodies. even the nurse at the health clinic, when I asked her if she thought I was experiencing an anxiety attack, quickly evaded my inquiry. why is it so hard to believe that what we are experiencing in life, whether it be stress from school or work, or family issues, or financial difficulties, could directly influence how our bodies operate?

just like when a high temperature indicates an infection, aren't other physical maladies indicative of something, too? I'm not trying to over spiritualize my situation. but at the same time, I don't think it's too far fetched to consider that what our bodies go through could be a way for G to redirect our attention.

it's like that quote by j.c. ryle that I've liked since summer before last.

"it is necessary to study morbid anatomy, if we would understand health. the ground must be cleared of rubbish before we build."

my body also will rest secure.

alive at 25.

when I was in high school, ninth graders were required to take wellness. wow I hated it so much. having to dress out to do different gym activities and rotating time in the gym with time in the classroom. the classroom time was the first (and hopefully only) time I ever remember falling asleep in class and drooling. yes, I said drooling.

right around the time I got my learner's permit to drive at the ripe old age of 15, we went through this book program called "alive at 25" in wellness. it seemed like turning twenty-five would be so far away, but here it is. I am alive at twenty-five.
there's ten years between me and then. isn't that crazy?

tonight one of my friends since 8th grade texted me to tell me happy birthday. we've told each other happy birthday every year since we were 14. even though we don't ever see each other, I think we still surprise each other every year by at least acknowledging the other one's birthday. in an strange way, it has kept me able and willing to look to the past to see how far I've come.

my dsg's verse for the week is, "my son, keep your father's commands and do not forget your mother's teachings. bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. when you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. for these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life."

lately I have felt that I have nothing new to contribute. not to say that I've reached my peak as a person. I surely hope that isn't the case. but I do feel like it's time for new thoughts. I'm hoping that's what this next year signifies. new thoughts, new habits, a new heart. I'm thankful that it has been Proverbs 6 that I've been meditating on all week because I feel like it brings so many things together for me: recalling those commands and teachings from the past, and purposefully bringing them with me into the present as I try to discern where the path takes me next.

I don't know what it looks like but the truth is, I never did and I'm still... alive at 25. it's a good place to be.