lord, have mercy.

earlier this evening I read through my first reading for theological foundations.
I read genesis 11:27-18:33.

from what I understood from Dr. G last night, I'm supposed to look for a missional theme while I'm reading. despite my confusion and attention issues last night, I did walk away with one admonition said by Dr. G ringing in my ears: live in the scriptures.

I've done a very bad job of this thus far in my life. my parents set me off to a good start and once upon a time, I was quite proud of how much I knew of the bible. however, even then, it was just knowledge and the understanding and life application weren't there.

I went into the reading hoping to feel changed, expecting God to teach me something. however, despite all that, my first reading left me feeling really sad. I just sat back after reading and thought about what I had just read of Abram-->Abraham and Sarai-->Sarah. Abram lied and repeatedly didn't trust God. Sarah, too, mistreated Hagar, didn't trust that God would give her a child {actually, laughed at the idea}, and lied.

Dr. G said not to let our idea of what missions is change as we apply missions to the old testament people. However, the problem is, I keep hearing from the people in my life that missions is about serving people and that it is sacrificial in nature. Right now, I look at this section of readings and only see mistreatment of foreigners. I feel like I'm beginning to see that it has less and less to do with us and that much more to do with God, for he is the one that gave comfort to the mistreated Egyptian Hagar. And it was through Abram's misdoings that God inflicted disease on Pharaoh and his household. It seemed that time and time again, Abram and Sarai's sinful actions were almost triggers for God stepping in and doing something.

I know a lot of Abram's stories are great but he makes me a little sick... although, also making me to see how likely it is for my great inadequacies to outweigh anything positive I might attempt to do for God's glory.

I know I am no better than Abram.

beauty for ashes.

"the Spirit of the Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to... provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes , the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness." - isaiah 61:1-3


"Observe, in the text, the change Christ promises to work for his mourners. First, here is beauty given for ashes. In the Hebrew there is a ring in the words which cannot be conveyed in the English. The ashes that men put upon their head in the East in the time of sorrow made a grim tiara for the brow of the mourner; the Lord promises to put all these ashes away, and to substitute for them a glorious head dress—a diadem of beauty. Or, if we run away from the word, and take the inner sense, we may look at it thus:—mourning makes the face wan and emaciated, and so takes away the beauty; but Jesus promises that he will so come and reveal joy to the sorrowing soul, that the face shall fill up again: the eyes that were dull and cloudy shall sparkle again, and the countenance, yea, and the whole person shall be once more radiant with the beauty which sorrow had so grievously marred. I thank God I have sometimes seen this change take place in precious saints who have been cast down in soul. There has even seemed to be a visible beauty put upon them when they have found peace in Jesus Christ, and this beauty is far more lovely and striking, because it is evidently a beauty of the mind, a spiritual lustre, far superior to the surface comeliness of the flesh. When the Lord shines full upon his servants' faces, he makes them fair as the moon, when at her full she reflects the light of the sun. A gracious and unchanging God sheds on his people a gracious and unfading loveliness. O mourning soul, thou hast made thine eyes red with weeping, and thy cheeks are marred with furrows, down which the scalding tears have burned their way; but the Lord that healeth thee, the Lord Almighty who wipeth all tears from human eyes, shall visit thee yet; and, if thou now believes "in Jesus, he shall visit thee now, and chase these cloudy griefs away, and thy face shall be bright and clear again, fair as the morning, and sparkling as the dew. Thou shalt rejoice in the God of thy salvation, even in God, thy exceeding joy. Is not this a dainty promise for mourning souls?" - charles haddon spurgeon

wisdom, rubies, and responsibility

I should be acting as the responsible teacher right now but my focused mind is nowhere to be found. tonight I went and saw the movie Precious. I knew it wouldn't be the easiest movie to watch, as I had been warned and had watched the trailer. but as I've wallowed in self-pity, dreading a year that holds a lot of changes for me, I knew I needed to see someone whose life is worse than mine and how conquering occurred in circumstances far more complicated and distorted than my own.

this past semester, as I've looked with my dsg into the proverbs and seen the juxtaposition of wisdom and folly, I've kept wondering how to really know the difference between the two, since sometimes the decisions I make seem so small that it's hard to tell what is more wise or what is more foolish. is there always a choice? are some decisions always better or worse than others?

in the movie tonight, as Precious made steps, I could see how it was difficult to distinguish wisdom and folly in her life, too, no matter how different her life was from mine. beginning with reading a book title, "a day at the shore," and progressing to an almost 8th grade reading level by the end of the film, she demonstrated her ability to further her mind. her decisions brought her wisdom in education but her desire for love and to be a good mother to her children, those things are what gave her wisdom in finding the steps she needed to take to fulfill her desires.

all that to say, I appreciated Precious. I appreciated the way her character began somewhat small and obviously traumatized, neglected, and abused and how she was transformed into a purposeful and hopeful student and mother.

she exhibited an innocent child, born into the lowest and most cruel follies, then recognizing her own worth and hope as a human being, seeking wisdom and a better life for herself and her babies. she reminds me of the verse below, personifying the woman wisdom.

"blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. she [wisdom] is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her." -proverbs3:13-15