the thought on the index card.

a couple of weeks ago i got to thinking about how people explain themselves or their journey to where they are today. for example, saying, before i became a C, i drank all the time, and was super unhappy, did drugs, etc. not to say the separation of the life before C and the difference after isn't important. it definitely is.

i kept thinking about why we explained ourselves by those outward "seen" behaviors. before i went to bed i sloppily penned down the following,
"we speak of the outer proof because we either don't have the words to explain the condition of our hearts or the condition of our heart was much uglier than the actions that manifested as a result."

talking about the heart is so abstract. technically, the heart is just an organ in the body yet we use it to express how we know, understand, and feel about so many different things. i think about that verse somewhere in the bible that talks about how G takes away our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh. but it really is talking about our being, i think.

honestly i have no clue. but my point is (and even more so proven by my inability to adequately discuss what heart even means) that due to how abstract it is and difficult to explain the change, it's easier to talk about the actions that changed (the more tangible evidence) rather than the actual conditions that changed. maybe it would be like talking about the aftermath of a tornado hitting and describing how everything looked and then the months of cleanup rather than talking about the conditions that made the tornado occur and the assembly of people it took to clean up the storm's aftermath. at least, that's how i see it.

i think what i've come to see is that i want to better work to describe the conditions and not just the change of action. i feel like talking about the condition of our hearts, the real gross and ugliness, is vulnerable activity, but nevertheless much more important in enabling us to move toward real long term changes. i don't want to merely say, "before C, i did this and now i do that" but to say, "before C, my heart was ugly. it was rebellious and so my actions were different than they are now. but the heart itself, that was the real issue. the actions were what was indicating that something was amiss in my heart."

or something like that. i don't want to be so afraid of what's in my heart anymore. i mean, G does see it, whether i admit to what's going on in there or not.

after the fact.

a few years ago, I started thinking that I asked too many people their thoughts on what I should do. even Dr. P said to me the other day, that because of my personality type, I'm more likely to crave good opinions from other people. she is definitely right about me. but a few years ago, I thought, who do I turn to first? G? or family? or friends?

I think in different seasons of my life it's different. but I feel like it's a huge battle to know and understand the mind of G for our lives. earlier I thought of the verse in Proverbs 11 that says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure." I know the proverbs seem to be so individual and often on the surface seem to contradict each other. but I was talking to baby K on the phone earlier and it hit me: why is it okay to make decisions without the wise council of others around us?
is it okay?
if lack of guidance makes an entire nation fall, what does that mean for me as one person within a nation or group?

fear is such a destroyer of good things G has set up for us, which is what I think must be the reason that holds us back from including others in decisions we make. we're so afraid that the people we love won't agree with what we're doing that we wait until after our decision is made to tell people so they just have to accept what it is that we've decided.

I know I've done this in my past a lot. probably in my present a bit, too, although I am too close to see it right now. I feel tugged in a lot of different directions. a lot of times I feel I could be happy in so many different decisions that it's difficult to know which way is best. but even if the motives of those around me are tainted (and we're human, so they always are a bit), I want to continue to grow in knowing wholeheartedly that I'm not responsible for them; I'm only responsible for me and the decisions I ultimately make.

however. I say all that and then I think about what I just read in Thomas Merton's book ( no man is an island ). I can't remember exactly what he says, but from what I remember, he basically said that because of the body of C, his successes belong to the entire community, but his failures also belong to them. what was done in the past influences his present circumstances, just as his current actions influence those far into the future. it was a lot for me to think about.

so yes, our decisions are our decisions but at the same time, they're not at all. I don't think we should make decisions exclusively because someone else wants us to make the decision they deem best, but consider what our decisions mean for the larger group.

responsibility in decision making is rough.

because he is at my right hand.

today has been a heavy day. I'm not sure exactly what happened but there were enough adverse elements that combined to send me over the edge. up until an hour before I left for work, I was a wreck. I started breathing funny and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. everything was so tight. breathing, one of the functions of the body that is done involuntary, seemed too difficult.

today just felt so hopeless. I began to doubt why I am in the W; asking, what's the point? how will I be able to provide for myself after all this? what's it all for? does what I am training to be and do even matter? I sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness. it's been awhile since I've had a day like today.

upon coming home tonight, I remembered parts of psalm 16. "I have set the Lord always before me. because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices, my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave..."

I think the human body and the mind are crazy. I do. when my breathing became short, I started thinking about my lungs. thinking about their function and how they assist me every moment is incredible. but also, how what is going on in my heart and mind can influence how my body functions. it's fascinating... but it's also scary.

I think it's scary because we're hesitant to believe that the life of the mind is so deeply interconnected with our bodies. even the nurse at the health clinic, when I asked her if she thought I was experiencing an anxiety attack, quickly evaded my inquiry. why is it so hard to believe that what we are experiencing in life, whether it be stress from school or work, or family issues, or financial difficulties, could directly influence how our bodies operate?

just like when a high temperature indicates an infection, aren't other physical maladies indicative of something, too? I'm not trying to over spiritualize my situation. but at the same time, I don't think it's too far fetched to consider that what our bodies go through could be a way for G to redirect our attention.

it's like that quote by j.c. ryle that I've liked since summer before last.

"it is necessary to study morbid anatomy, if we would understand health. the ground must be cleared of rubbish before we build."

my body also will rest secure.