because he is at my right hand.

today has been a heavy day. I'm not sure exactly what happened but there were enough adverse elements that combined to send me over the edge. up until an hour before I left for work, I was a wreck. I started breathing funny and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. everything was so tight. breathing, one of the functions of the body that is done involuntary, seemed too difficult.

today just felt so hopeless. I began to doubt why I am in the W; asking, what's the point? how will I be able to provide for myself after all this? what's it all for? does what I am training to be and do even matter? I sunk deeper and deeper into hopelessness. it's been awhile since I've had a day like today.

upon coming home tonight, I remembered parts of psalm 16. "I have set the Lord always before me. because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices, my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave..."

I think the human body and the mind are crazy. I do. when my breathing became short, I started thinking about my lungs. thinking about their function and how they assist me every moment is incredible. but also, how what is going on in my heart and mind can influence how my body functions. it's fascinating... but it's also scary.

I think it's scary because we're hesitant to believe that the life of the mind is so deeply interconnected with our bodies. even the nurse at the health clinic, when I asked her if she thought I was experiencing an anxiety attack, quickly evaded my inquiry. why is it so hard to believe that what we are experiencing in life, whether it be stress from school or work, or family issues, or financial difficulties, could directly influence how our bodies operate?

just like when a high temperature indicates an infection, aren't other physical maladies indicative of something, too? I'm not trying to over spiritualize my situation. but at the same time, I don't think it's too far fetched to consider that what our bodies go through could be a way for G to redirect our attention.

it's like that quote by j.c. ryle that I've liked since summer before last.

"it is necessary to study morbid anatomy, if we would understand health. the ground must be cleared of rubbish before we build."

my body also will rest secure.

alive at 25.

when I was in high school, ninth graders were required to take wellness. wow I hated it so much. having to dress out to do different gym activities and rotating time in the gym with time in the classroom. the classroom time was the first (and hopefully only) time I ever remember falling asleep in class and drooling. yes, I said drooling.

right around the time I got my learner's permit to drive at the ripe old age of 15, we went through this book program called "alive at 25" in wellness. it seemed like turning twenty-five would be so far away, but here it is. I am alive at twenty-five.
there's ten years between me and then. isn't that crazy?

tonight one of my friends since 8th grade texted me to tell me happy birthday. we've told each other happy birthday every year since we were 14. even though we don't ever see each other, I think we still surprise each other every year by at least acknowledging the other one's birthday. in an strange way, it has kept me able and willing to look to the past to see how far I've come.

my dsg's verse for the week is, "my son, keep your father's commands and do not forget your mother's teachings. bind them upon your heart forever; fasten them around your neck. when you walk, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you. for these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life."

lately I have felt that I have nothing new to contribute. not to say that I've reached my peak as a person. I surely hope that isn't the case. but I do feel like it's time for new thoughts. I'm hoping that's what this next year signifies. new thoughts, new habits, a new heart. I'm thankful that it has been Proverbs 6 that I've been meditating on all week because I feel like it brings so many things together for me: recalling those commands and teachings from the past, and purposefully bringing them with me into the present as I try to discern where the path takes me next.

I don't know what it looks like but the truth is, I never did and I'm still... alive at 25. it's a good place to be.

people to love.

last night my eyes were opened. last week one of my friends was telling me about how it's a blessing to be in a community where all are welcomed and accepted. where a place is made for those who do not have a conventional place, for those who are often shunned because of their social skills or lack thereof. the socially awkward, the crass, the loud, and the quiet. we all have our issues.

i have seen how my community here in the W is akin to the first community that God sets us in: family.

last night i listened to a young woman talk about her sibling. she spoke of her family's sadness toward a member in her family who is now unlike them.

for the first time, i thanked God for placing me in my first community: a family that isn't perfect. a family that is full of black sheep. a family that is often considered to be the black sheep of a larger extended family. a family that goes after the sheep that wandered. a family who believes that not only that the sheep will return, but that God will use us in the process of bringing the sheep back home.

last night my heart broke. if family is the first community that God sets us in, that first community sets the standard for all others. for some, it propels us to seek love and acceptance and healing because our first community family was lacking. for others, it propels us to give love and acceptance and healing because that is what our first community family provided us. perhaps it is even a combination of both.

i think what i'm trying to say is this: that God has known before time what we were able to handle in this lifetime. and instead of looking at those who have wandered away from the flock as a reflection of bad parenting or a poor first community, maybe we should decide to look at it differently. maybe we should see it as God knowing us better than we know ourselves. that God believes that we are the appropriate people to care for and love and to serve as healers to those who have wandered. to seek after them, to include them, like he includes us in his perfect plan for his creation.

last night, i saw things from a new perspective and i felt peace. i pray that God gives us love for those who are far away and that disdain will be far from our hearts.

"then Jesus told them this parable: 'suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? and when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' - luke 15:3-6