troubled.

this weekend i accompanied my parents up to northwest florida to attend the funeral of one of my dad's lifelong friends.

it was pretty strange to meet all of my dad's surfing buddies from the 1960s and 1970s, especially after hearing their (strange) names for so many years. they all had weird nicknames like captain scarbelly, china, joe buck, and street fighter. seriously! (my dad is known as java, and not because of coffee).

i heard hilarious stories of their surfing adventures whilst witnessing their grief at the loss of a beloved friend.

a lot of thoughts have gone through my mind since then, a few of which include the brevity of life, God's role in "calling" someone home to Heaven, and living a life that shows your care and concern for those around you.

first of all, the brevity of life. last night i was watching the bachelor with my mom (don't judge me, we've been watching it for YEARS!) and one of the girls vying for the heart of brad was a funeral home director. she actually was an embalmer. she made a comment about how americans are scared to death of death! they deny it and avoid it (that is, avoid dying and avoid dealing with it). i find this to be true. life is short. i admit to being scared at the thought of losing my parents. with one of my dad's friends being the first in his group to go, it's troubling to know that they've reached the age in which is won't be all that uncommon to lose people they love... and people i love. i'm thankful for the time we had to visit the church i grew up in and hear pastor J (who is the little brother of my dad's friend who passed away) speak. i love that he talked about Heaven and how even Jesus didn't go without feeling troubled. Jesus felt troubled at the death of his friend Lazarus (john 11:33). but, when you look to john 14:1-6, you see how Jesus assures his followers that he is going to prepare a place for us... that we shouldn't be troubled about that. as pastor J said, "not that you won't be troubled in life, but one thing you don't have to be troubled about is your final destination: heaven."

the other thought i've been mulling over is God's [huge] role in how brief our life actually will be. my dad's friend was one of the healthiest, most active sixty-year-old men around. he surfed nearly every day and had just been told last year that he had the heart of a thirty-year-old. yet, he died of a massive heart attack. what happened? these things trouble us. we don't understand why. if someone is neglecting their health, it makes a little bit more sense. we say things like, "well, if so-and-so had just gotten her ass off the couch every once in awhile..." or "if he had just worn sunscreen..." [which is what might have prevented my own grandfather from dying when i was only one-year-old]. but then you take my dad's friend and pastor J's brother. gone. no explanation. it doesn't mean we have to question God or even get angry with God. we can, and i don't really see much harm in it unless it turns us away from God. however, one thing we can spare ourselves from is wondering about his final destination. we can live without troubling ourselves about where he is. Y loved God. he knew that Jesus was the only way to know God and that his life was empty without God. he made sure those around him knew it, too. it was a life well-lived.

Y showed deep care and concern for those around him. my dad brought a postcard to the funeral that Y had sent to him last fall. Y sent postcards to his friends when he thought of them. he never joined FB, wasn't into e-mail. but he still managed to show how much he cared for the people in his life, whether they were a new friend, or an old surfing buddy. further, at the funeral on saturday, his family made photocopies of Y's prayer list. they said he kept it for years - he rewrote it as things changed or prayers were answered. there were three pages of names, equaling sixty lines of names (probably around 150 names). as my parents and i looked through the list, we saw our own family on the list: "s & family." a few lines later we saw my mom's parents on the list: "mr. & mrs. B." wow. this guy had been praying for us...possibly for years. and we never knew. i didn't really know Y. i had seen him and casually talked to him throughout the years. when i visited his surf shop pre-retirement i would make sure to say i was S's daughter. but other than that, i only knew him as my dad's friend, my best friend's uncle, and my childhood pastor's brother. i knew his reputation but i didn't know how far it extended. i don't know that anyone did, really. and yet he was praying for us.

what a blessing to live a life seeped in the prayers of saints.

http://vimeo.com/20183276

i'm not sure what all of this means for my own life, but i'm convinced it's significant.

the nephew.

two months and one week ago i found out that i am going to be an aunt. and one week ago, i found out i am going to have a nephew.

i have dreamt about becoming an aunt ever since my cousins became aunts & uncles to C's kids. K and i would always make controversial statements about what we would teach our sobrinos. then the day came and it's happening. now, we rarely joke about the things we'll teach him, but instead constantly text our sister name suggestions and boast about the qualifications that will make one of us the favorite aunt.

also what has changed includes how all of a sudden, when my sister says she isn't feeling well, i begin to worry! i start praying that my nephew (and my sister) will be okay and wish there were something i could do to help.

i had no idea that a new addition to the family would change me. not that i didn't care before, but i've noticed this softened side to my already soft family. i love that my dad prays for the baby and makes sure to ask how his grandson is doing. i love that my mom and i no longer have to walk by the baby section in the stores without having a baby in mind to buy things for. in fact, just last week i sent my nephew a present: a lil onesie that has a monkey on it that says, "i like hangin with my aunt." i can't wait to take a picture with him while he's wearing it. and not to be outdone, my mom sent him a bunch of things this weekend. i love that it'll be here before we know it.

on the other side of things, i've become somewhat sentimental. i realize that G has a certain path in mind for E and me, and although i'm excited to see what that looks like, sometimes i get sad to think about what i'll be missing out on. i have this weird problem. i want to go, i want to have adventures, i want to "get my hands dirty," as E likes to say. but because those things aren't yet concrete, because that is not yet my life, i act like everyone else is moving forward and i am already being left out. i am quite confident that that sentence doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

i guess i mean to say, i want to be everywhere. and at some point, you do have to choose. you have to decidedly say, "this is where i want to be." it doesn't mean that you have to let people or places go, you just have to give up what you might currently consider to be "ideal." (which is a joke anyways, when your sister, brother-in-law, and in-womb nephew are already hundreds of miles away in texas).

i wish i made sense, but that would probably scare me most of all.

empty-handed.

i wrote how much i'm planning to tithe this month on a a stickies on my mac desktop screen. as soon as i saw the number again this morning and despite hearing father's R's voice in my head saying, "s, don't forget to give to J! s, don't forget to give to J!" i immediately thought, "ugh, that's so much money. how am i ever going to pay all my bills? or save? or stay afloat." following all of these (selfish) thoughts, i went to my gmail account and saw the "daily lectionary" that i receive in my inbox everyday. this is what i read:

Ecclesiasticus 35:1-17

"One who keeps the law makes many offerings;

one who heeds the commandments makes an offering of well-being.

One who returns a kindness offers choice flour,

and one who gives alms sacrifices a thank-offering.

To keep from wickedness is pleasing to the Lord,

and to forsake unrighteousness is an atonement.

Do not appear before the Lord empty-handed,

for all that you offer is in fulfilment of the commandment.

The offering of the righteous enriches the altar,

and its pleasing odour rises before the Most High.

The sacrifice of the righteous is acceptable,

and it will never be forgotten.

Be generous when you worship the Lord,

and do not stint the first fruits of your hands.

With every gift show a cheerful face,

and dedicate your tithe with gladness.

Give to the Most High as he has given to you,

and as generously as you can afford.

For the Lord is the one who repays,

and he will repay you sevenfold.



Do not offer him a bribe, for he will not accept it;

and do not rely on a dishonest sacrifice;

for the Lord is the judge,

and with him there is no partiality.

He will not show partiality to the poor;

but he will listen to the prayer of one who is wronged.

He will not ignore the supplication of the orphan,

or the widow when she pours out her complaint."

okay okay! i'll give. and i really will try to do it cheerfully, too.