the nephew.

two months and one week ago i found out that i am going to be an aunt. and one week ago, i found out i am going to have a nephew.

i have dreamt about becoming an aunt ever since my cousins became aunts & uncles to C's kids. K and i would always make controversial statements about what we would teach our sobrinos. then the day came and it's happening. now, we rarely joke about the things we'll teach him, but instead constantly text our sister name suggestions and boast about the qualifications that will make one of us the favorite aunt.

also what has changed includes how all of a sudden, when my sister says she isn't feeling well, i begin to worry! i start praying that my nephew (and my sister) will be okay and wish there were something i could do to help.

i had no idea that a new addition to the family would change me. not that i didn't care before, but i've noticed this softened side to my already soft family. i love that my dad prays for the baby and makes sure to ask how his grandson is doing. i love that my mom and i no longer have to walk by the baby section in the stores without having a baby in mind to buy things for. in fact, just last week i sent my nephew a present: a lil onesie that has a monkey on it that says, "i like hangin with my aunt." i can't wait to take a picture with him while he's wearing it. and not to be outdone, my mom sent him a bunch of things this weekend. i love that it'll be here before we know it.

on the other side of things, i've become somewhat sentimental. i realize that G has a certain path in mind for E and me, and although i'm excited to see what that looks like, sometimes i get sad to think about what i'll be missing out on. i have this weird problem. i want to go, i want to have adventures, i want to "get my hands dirty," as E likes to say. but because those things aren't yet concrete, because that is not yet my life, i act like everyone else is moving forward and i am already being left out. i am quite confident that that sentence doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

i guess i mean to say, i want to be everywhere. and at some point, you do have to choose. you have to decidedly say, "this is where i want to be." it doesn't mean that you have to let people or places go, you just have to give up what you might currently consider to be "ideal." (which is a joke anyways, when your sister, brother-in-law, and in-womb nephew are already hundreds of miles away in texas).

i wish i made sense, but that would probably scare me most of all.