community. (and not the show).

this weekend has been lovely, as R would say. i can't believe how elated one can feel after just spending time with people: cooking, eating, car riding, ultimate frisbeeing, teasing, and talking.

it's when i'm with the people in our group that i'm reminded of what's important. without even saying anything specific to my situation of life, they encourage me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, to live a life without mediocrity, and to look forward, not backward.

i haven't ever known a group, a community, like the one i know now.

henri nouwen writes,
"community arises where the sharing of pain takes place, not as a stifling form of self-complaint, but as a recognition of God's saving promises."

i would also like to add that community arises where broken people come together to laugh and share, and through it, recognize that the joy that they share comes from God.

i want to be free.

and not just from school.

from sin.
and sadness.
from mediocrity.
and anger.

today dr. M talked about how we misuse the verse, "and the truth will set you free."
the u.s. definitely misconstrues the meaning of that verse. my culture has imprisoned me.

the Truth = Jesus/the Word

through obedience to Jesus and his Word, we find freedom. freedom in obedience.
isn't that weird to think about?

but as i've noticed my same sinful inclinations and patterns- things i thought i would be free from by now- things i want to be free from- things i hold onto and thus keep myself from being freed from- i get it. and, i also don't get it.

obedience. "if you love Me, you will obey what i command."

if.

"for the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones."
-Proverbs 2:6-8

the battle for the mind.

today has been glum. I woke up, looked out my window, and it didn't look much different from when I went to sleep last night. Dark.
I'm a huge fan of the sun. but just as when I am battling depressive tendencies, it's difficult to remember what the sun feels like on my skin and how it makes me feel when it isn't there.
I was reminded of that this morning as I sat in class.
Dr. M told us the story of his roommate in college who took his own life.

We've been talking about forgiveness a lot lately. I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what it looks like to have forgiven someone. Even though it was the topic of forgiveness, and by topic I mean chapter in a book entitled "Forgiveness," that ultimately led me to follow Jesus, forgiveness and unforgiveness still loom in my heart and mind. What does it look like? Have I forgiven that person? Have I forgiven myself?

Sometimes you don't know whether or not you have forgiven someone until you are put into a situation with them where it is absolutely and sometimes embarrassingly apparent that you haven't.

I felt that way this morning in class. As we've talked about forgiveness in the last couple of weeks, I've searched my heart and actively prayed about people I need to forgive. It's been incredibly cleansing to see me as I am: an unforgiver. One who is forgiven but still, an unforgiver.

But as Dr. M taught, I thought I would have to leave class to go vomit. When Dr. M told the story of his roommate, almost immediately C came to my mind. I struggled with hundreds of thoughts that flooded into my head concerning her and what led her down the path of taking her own life. Dr. M said something about how we can never truly know what someone is thinking or feeling. We can only go off what they communicate to us.

But my mind kept taking me to the verse I heard in church on Sunday.

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

And I broke on the inside. I felt once again that I had failed C. I had no idea anything was wrong. I've tried to forgive myself over and over. I know it's a choice but I just feel guilty. I wasn't a woman of understanding and I didn't know her heart. I lost focus and all day I've just reflected on it.

I still talk to God about her. And sometimes, she's in my dreams. Not in a weird way. But in a way where I've been able to work out the grief and pain that have surrounded knowing how her short life ended.

I see the postcards that she sent me over the years and I'm reminded of my sweet friend. I pray for her when I see them. Sometimes I don't know if what I say to God about her makes any sense, but I know he gets it.

It's just, it still hurts and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I still hurt for her and the pain she felt. I can't find a way to conclude this that ties it up nicely because it isn't nice. C's death wasn't nice. but that's the reality. david's words are better, anyways:

"though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." -psalm 71:20



Almighty God, who is the only One who can truly know the purposes of our hearts, grant us understanding and compassion for your people as we seek to share in the deep sufferings of the heart, that we may be the hands and feet of your body, telling your people of your unfailing love and faithfulness, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.



May God make us men and women of understanding who can draw out the deep waters of purpose in the hearts of those we love. Amen.