the battle for the mind.

today has been glum. I woke up, looked out my window, and it didn't look much different from when I went to sleep last night. Dark.
I'm a huge fan of the sun. but just as when I am battling depressive tendencies, it's difficult to remember what the sun feels like on my skin and how it makes me feel when it isn't there.
I was reminded of that this morning as I sat in class.
Dr. M told us the story of his roommate in college who took his own life.

We've been talking about forgiveness a lot lately. I've always had a hard time trying to figure out what it looks like to have forgiven someone. Even though it was the topic of forgiveness, and by topic I mean chapter in a book entitled "Forgiveness," that ultimately led me to follow Jesus, forgiveness and unforgiveness still loom in my heart and mind. What does it look like? Have I forgiven that person? Have I forgiven myself?

Sometimes you don't know whether or not you have forgiven someone until you are put into a situation with them where it is absolutely and sometimes embarrassingly apparent that you haven't.

I felt that way this morning in class. As we've talked about forgiveness in the last couple of weeks, I've searched my heart and actively prayed about people I need to forgive. It's been incredibly cleansing to see me as I am: an unforgiver. One who is forgiven but still, an unforgiver.

But as Dr. M taught, I thought I would have to leave class to go vomit. When Dr. M told the story of his roommate, almost immediately C came to my mind. I struggled with hundreds of thoughts that flooded into my head concerning her and what led her down the path of taking her own life. Dr. M said something about how we can never truly know what someone is thinking or feeling. We can only go off what they communicate to us.

But my mind kept taking me to the verse I heard in church on Sunday.

"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

And I broke on the inside. I felt once again that I had failed C. I had no idea anything was wrong. I've tried to forgive myself over and over. I know it's a choice but I just feel guilty. I wasn't a woman of understanding and I didn't know her heart. I lost focus and all day I've just reflected on it.

I still talk to God about her. And sometimes, she's in my dreams. Not in a weird way. But in a way where I've been able to work out the grief and pain that have surrounded knowing how her short life ended.

I see the postcards that she sent me over the years and I'm reminded of my sweet friend. I pray for her when I see them. Sometimes I don't know if what I say to God about her makes any sense, but I know he gets it.

It's just, it still hurts and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I still hurt for her and the pain she felt. I can't find a way to conclude this that ties it up nicely because it isn't nice. C's death wasn't nice. but that's the reality. david's words are better, anyways:

"though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." -psalm 71:20



Almighty God, who is the only One who can truly know the purposes of our hearts, grant us understanding and compassion for your people as we seek to share in the deep sufferings of the heart, that we may be the hands and feet of your body, telling your people of your unfailing love and faithfulness, through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.



May God make us men and women of understanding who can draw out the deep waters of purpose in the hearts of those we love. Amen.

anxiety.

"you just got past liking guys that aren't good for you and now satan is going to make you stumble over finances??" - a friend.

so so true. my friend's words of truth combined with the ultimate truth from the master teacher brought me back to kingdom thinking:

"therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable than they? who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

...

but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." - matthew 6:25-27, 33-34

i think a lot of things are "easier said than done." however, i think with anxiety and constant worrying about what i cannot control, the right thing can indeed be done.

sanctification and the seven marias.

this morning I woke up to head to work and once again face the seven marias & thirteen other students I am currently teaching ESL to.

I love them.

last night was very sobering as I sat in the floor of my room and read through their paperwork. it was one thing to read their information but now, I know their beautiful faces. I know the personalities that go with their names.

so last night, I decided to go through their paperwork and I noticed their prior schooling. most of them did around five years of primaria in mexico. imagine: no longer going to school after the 5th grade.

my eyes filled with tears as I realized so many things at once: what I have taken for granted, how God has given me such a gift by giving me a job to teach these adult students, and further reassurance that I was where I needed to be.

I often feel inadequate in what I can give to my students. today was one of those days. lately I've been thinking about my friends who are or have recently gotten married and have been reminded that marriage is a sanctification process. God uses the institution of marriage to make two people become more holy and thus glorify him.

I am no where close to marriage. sometimes I wonder, if I don't get married, will I be lacking in areas of growing in holiness that married people will have?

teaching is a huge challenge for me. it seems somewhat impossible for me to believe that I could one day be an amazing teacher. today I thought I failed. and maybe by my own standards, I did. but a maria came up to me after class. this maria is my oldest student, a maria with a very reassuring smile. she touched my arm and whispered in my ear, "you a good teacher." it took everything in me not to start crying. I just looked at her and said, "thank you." almost immediately I realized: God is and will continue to use teaching to make me more like him. it won't be easy, but if this is what he has chosen as a means for my sanctification, I say yes to him.