Lindsay sent me this book in the mail called "Turn my Mourning into Dancing" by Henri Nouwen.
this quote in the book really struck me:
"it takes sustained effort to reclaim my whole past as the concrete way God has led me to this moment."
it's in a chapter that is talking about how we often try to only remember the good from the past & try to forget the bad/hurtful from the past. I am guilty of doing this. I think, "If I can just forget that.... I'll feel better." but I don't. or I can't forget. or I only remember bits & pieces because I repressed it so it's harder for me to make sense of the hurt.
Nouwen talks about how it's important to gain an attitude of gratitude for what has happened and to see God's hand in bringing us to where we currently are. he says how much better it would be if we walked through suffering rather than trying to avoid it at all cost.
sometimes it takes awhile, but it seems that things always come together for me eventually. lately I've been thinking about how I can have a better attitude towards people in my life - especially people who I used to be close to in my past. when I was going through things, I did everything I could to avoid the pain, confrontation, etc. but it always comes back up. sometimes i think it's because I have too much time on my hands... but as Nouwen said, "...God has led me to this moment" so perhaps the amount of time that has been specifically alloted to me is to learn how to walk through and not around .
Friday, February 27, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
need, want, and the independent woman.
today I had coffee with Susan.
she's in her 40s. one of my classmates. loves basketball. lived in Indonesia for over twenty years.
we talked for over two hours! it was wonderful. she told me about life in Indonesia, and her husband and sons, and loneliness, and the need for community. I love talking to women who are older than me. it really makes me so happy.
I asked her (of course) how she and her husband got together. he's also in our class. they are extremely different. she is obviously an extrovert and he is obviously an introvert. I was curious as to how they got together.
you know how long it took for them to happen?
one. month.
she said they hung out for about three weeks when he said, "I love you." and do you know what she said? "I respect you for saying that to me. And I admire you so much. But I'm not ready to tell you that."
[[ she went up about twenty points in my book at this point. I love that she was honest & not playing games. ]]
about three days later, he bought her her favorite roses (which she had only casually mentioned but he had paid attention), and told her he wanted to marry her. even though she still hadn't said I love you back to him.
she said she needed time to think and pray about it. and told him she'd tell him by a certain time on a certain day. she made a list of pros and cons and said there were plenty on both sides.
she said such a neat thing...
"I knew I didn't need him, but I did want that depth of relationship."
and it made me feel so nice to hear her say that because I keep wrestling with my own ability to be independent & the desire to have that depth of relationship with another human. I sometimes feel guilty for loving my independence so much and even more than that.... for being good at being independent. And sometimes I hate it because I think that's what will prevent me from being in a relationship with someone one day. but. today was good affirmation for me. ONCE AGAIN. that it's God's timing. And I just need to stop fighting it.
she's in her 40s. one of my classmates. loves basketball. lived in Indonesia for over twenty years.
we talked for over two hours! it was wonderful. she told me about life in Indonesia, and her husband and sons, and loneliness, and the need for community. I love talking to women who are older than me. it really makes me so happy.
I asked her (of course) how she and her husband got together. he's also in our class. they are extremely different. she is obviously an extrovert and he is obviously an introvert. I was curious as to how they got together.
you know how long it took for them to happen?
one. month.
she said they hung out for about three weeks when he said, "I love you." and do you know what she said? "I respect you for saying that to me. And I admire you so much. But I'm not ready to tell you that."
[[ she went up about twenty points in my book at this point. I love that she was honest & not playing games. ]]
about three days later, he bought her her favorite roses (which she had only casually mentioned but he had paid attention), and told her he wanted to marry her. even though she still hadn't said I love you back to him.
she said she needed time to think and pray about it. and told him she'd tell him by a certain time on a certain day. she made a list of pros and cons and said there were plenty on both sides.
she said such a neat thing...
"I knew I didn't need him, but I did want that depth of relationship."
and it made me feel so nice to hear her say that because I keep wrestling with my own ability to be independent & the desire to have that depth of relationship with another human. I sometimes feel guilty for loving my independence so much and even more than that.... for being good at being independent. And sometimes I hate it because I think that's what will prevent me from being in a relationship with someone one day. but. today was good affirmation for me. ONCE AGAIN. that it's God's timing. And I just need to stop fighting it.
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