great expectations.

lately i've been thinking about expectations. sometimes i think i concentrate so much on other people's expectations on me, that i forget to think about the expectations i have: for people, for situations, for my life.

i think it's so interesting how much we expect of each other. i feel like over the past few years, i've worked to lower the bar i have for people. but sadly, i feel like the bar must continue to be lowered. were my expectations too high or is the standard too low?

i guess i just have a lot of questions. do great expectations come us as babies? we expect our mother to feed as as babies. what if she does? the expectation is fulfilled. but what if she delays? the expectation comes with longing. what if she doesn't? the expectation leads to death.

but some expectations like those of babies are necessary for actual health and existence. but what about the expectations that we experience as adults? are our expectations due to a desire that needs to be fulfilled or merely a desire to enforce what we feel is right?

my questions are one side of it. but the other side of it is, why do some feel the weight of expectations more than others? as a peacemaker personality, this is so hard for me. i want people to be pleased with me and my actions, but at some point, i need to think for myself, specifically asking myself: what are my expectations for life? what are some things that i crave to see in my life?

i feel like maybe i saw a small glimmer of that in myself a long long time ago. but somewhere along the way, i lost it. instead, my insides crash and bang around while my outside smiles & nods.

great expectations. what a brilliant name for a novel & a good reminder to consider the expectations of others and the expectations i have for me & my life. maybe the "great" part means "too many."

the aftermath of the storm that came.

the storm of school has passed and yet now i realize that i am a storm, too. my body is so familiar with going & going & going that to stop is to sit around and wonder why i am not going.

i am my father's daughter.

my mom told me so more than once this week. & she's right.
i have a hard time relaxing after my pace has been so very fast for so very long. but also, i like the pace. it's not always ideal, but it keeps me from the sadness that my mind drifts toward, like a moth to a flame. so the slackened pace demands that i more thoroughly address the inclinations of my mind to dwell in sadness & despair.

G has given me much encouragement through L, who is ninety years old. the elderly people in my life don't tend to be people who i would look to for divine wisdom & love. sure, i love my grandparents and i miss my paternal grandparents very much. but, something with L is different. it's as if she looks into my eyes and sees something i think i've hidden: my exhaustion during the last month of school, my nervousness about finding a job, my sadness about leaving my sweet students, or the need i am scared to admit about how much i need to hear words that contradict what society & the economy are telling me. i need hope. & i need to hear about people who trust G against all odds. faith in action.

i keep thinking how amazing it is that G has uncovered the gem of L to me. she has been around our teaching location for so long. i was somewhat resistant to get to know her, but as she sought me out to talk, i've been that much more thankful for her. i like her independence, her outlook on life, her desire to help others, and her ability to encourage & give hope.

right now, my body is trying to adjust. but, as my mind adjusts, i hope to think about the trust that L has in G to provide for me, and to increasingly believe it myself, too.

belonging.

I cower ‘neath the monster trees
And try to stand on tired feet
But gravity knocks me to the ground
Where I give up, and tears roll down
I claw the dust and beg the end
Curse the day that I began
to hope there’d be a place where I belong

I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin and seek my eyes
Song of love You sing to me
I ache to sing it back to Thee
"Father Love prepares a place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong!"

How did I miss this wondrous song?
The forest sang it all along
"River rinses all your shame
Father offers you His name
Father Love prepares a home
Brother Jesus leads you on
Follow to the place where you belong!"