belonging.

I cower ‘neath the monster trees
And try to stand on tired feet
But gravity knocks me to the ground
Where I give up, and tears roll down
I claw the dust and beg the end
Curse the day that I began
to hope there’d be a place where I belong

I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin and seek my eyes
Song of love You sing to me
I ache to sing it back to Thee
"Father Love prepares a place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong!"

How did I miss this wondrous song?
The forest sang it all along
"River rinses all your shame
Father offers you His name
Father Love prepares a home
Brother Jesus leads you on
Follow to the place where you belong!"

back out there.

my dashboard countdown tells me I have only 24 days left until graduation.
before then, I have to write a research paper, six confessional essays, take an exam, and turn in two projects.

I keep thinking, I really want to be excited about graduating but instead, I am just scared. I seem to make a lot of my decisions based off of fear and/or the need for security.

Three years ago, I was about to graduate from undergrad. That entire summer, I couldn't find a job. I didn't even have a clue what I wanted to do. I said I would never work for MCS and I definitely would never teach elementary. I also said I would never move home. And then, I did everything I said I would never do.

What frustrates me is that I decided to do those things because I was so deathly afraid of what would happen if I didn't. I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. I would be a graduate with no job. Instead, I spent the year with 5-6 year olds, coming home each day with a story and a blanket of sadness wrapped around me.

I don't know how to make fearless decisions. I look for jobs on the internet and see if there is anything out there, but I am already beginning to feel stuck and somewhat desperate. I don't want to repeat the decisions I made three years ago, but I can't promise that I won't. & I hate that.

anfechtung.

yesterday before I went to theology class, I had to finish my reading. I saved my favorite book to read last because I knew reading it would be effortless. it's odd how my own emotional well-being (or lack thereof) prepared me for what I read. this week's chapter was martin luther's writing on the topic of despair. the author of the chapter wove luther's life trials in with things he had written during his lifetime.

maybe it was because yesterday, in its covering of the sun with dense clouds, felt like an anfechtung day. but as I sat in the library, I understood luther. in our group discussions later that night, the same phrase that I always use to describe my own personal despair came to mind: "when it hits, it's like you never experienced happiness. and when it leaves, you forget what it feels like, and it's as if you never felt sadness at all." but luther seemed to figure out how to transcend his dilemma with anfechtung. although he struggled with it his entire life, he was able to recognize what he experienced in others , causing him to reach out and in turn, looking beyond himself. so although he still wrestled with his bouts of despair, he held on.

it's hard to say things feel shitty without people becoming intensely worried about you. I think that's why, for the person experiencing anfechtung, it's important to try to be prepared for the low points and also learn to balance the 'wearing it on your sleeve' from what to workout on your own and in your own heart. of course community is important in dealing with struggles, but sometimes you just need to be reminded that G sees you, sits with you in the anfechtung, and isn't encouraging you to put on a face for the masses.

"we have to learn that a Christian should walk in the midst of death, in the remorse and trembling of his conscience, in the midst of the devil's teeth and of hell, and yet should keep the Word of grace, so that in much trembling we say, 'You, O Lord, do look on me with favour.'" - luther (1538)