...

amy, this is mainly for you. for a lot of different reasons. but mostly because you're my only blog follower. (:

i'm lying here in my bed and i'm really sad. you know why. i'm exhausted by this inward battle but don't know how to win it. it's so easy yet the hardest thing. my mind goes crazy and i just want to disappear.
the only thing that repeats in my head is, "i need jesus. i need jesus. i need jesus." over and over and over again.
and what does that even mean?
i ask that a lot lately.
'trust god.'
what does that mean?
or more, how does one make a decision to do that?

O Love that will not let me go...
why won't you let me go? why do you hold on?

i know he has marked me. the label that i most identify in the bible is somewhere in the old testament, probably in one of the prophet books, where is says something like, "you are mine." i think that is my special word with god. i am his. he looks at me and says, 'mine.'

and i try to do that with things i want in my life. i look at them and say, 'mine.' but they aren't mine. they're his, too.

i need jesus. yes. i do. but more than that. i need to want jesus more than anything else. holding nothing back.

i wish i could say that this realization makes me the sadness disappear. but although it sheds light, it's still there. it's like the poem on my wall which reads,

"I will complain, yet praise,
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sowre-sweet dayes,
I will lament, and love."

i don't know how to be strong. and intellectually i know, "when i am weak, he is strong." but i need to know this in my heart and believe it. and i want to. and i hope it happens. because, i can't.

an end of the year poem.

my dear friend Lindsay challenged me to write a poem summarizing 2008... she gave me some rules:
1. be detailed (I tried)
2. Make it poetic it wording (tried, I'm not great at this...if I pay too much attention, then I go crazy)
3. repeat "no time to wait, here's to 2008" throughout the poem (I kinda did this)

here is what I came up with....

1 January 1, 2008
P.F. Changs I wish I hadn’t ate
This situation I did create
I should have resolved to just lose weight, but alas,
No time to wait, here is to dear old 2008

2 News about March brought me the most tears yet
The ambush of sadness I will never forget
I hate that she was so alone, though I can relate
But knowing my Father will never forsake
Grieving doesn’t wait, which is what happened in 2008

3 I teach school and for April I await
To learn about E.S.L. is my fate
I get to travel to N.Y.C.
Foreshadowing, I hope, my future degree
Not to restate but it sure doesn’t wait, I’m telling the story of 2008

4 May comes and my babies finish KK
Being their teacher made all of my days
But it was time for me to go away
So I left Memphis for the Sunshine State
Only the beginning of my moves in 2008

5 In July, a monster I do meet
Dealing with Bridezilla was a huge feat
The wedding over, surely did elate
And future decisions I did debate

6 August came and to D.C. I went
Hoping for awhile to feet content
No big job came and I wondered what that meant
My soul, in its lonely state, did torment

7 Much of the time I held in my tears
To let them out, I thought, might let win my fears
Instead I wrote letters, from my heart I was straight
Asking the Lord, how long must I wait?

8 Friendships went more than they came
I often wonder how certain ones remain
I feel stuck opening up for fear that they’ll leave
Unable to be grateful for the time I do receive

9 Vulnerability, I hear, is risky but worth it
But deep within my heart it is hard for me to do it
Stability, security, I want to be fixed
But in one spot for now I cannot exist

10 October brings me “home” to teach
Enabling my mind once again to reach
That place where I find joy and being with people, innate
I wonder if soon my previous notions will reinstate
A welcome relief, here in 2008

11 My birthday month, twenty-four seems so old
Although waiting for so so much to unfold
Dad comes to visit, Mom shows up, too, and tightly I hold
As if to remember what my heart feels like not cold
Their coming to see me is their best surprise to date
With Thanksgiving I learn that to Wheaton I will go, and on time, not late
Which leaves us less time to wait, as we near the finish of 2008

12 December is here and sadness remains
Sometimes I cannot shake the pain that flows through my veins
I look to the future and try to shed the past
But worry that my efforts will not long last
2009, I only hope can bring
More love for a Savior for whom I will cling
I cannot make promises for what my actions will dictate
Only that there is no more time to wait, for the end has come for 2008

can of worms.

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we do not know at all that is the same with others." - sheldon vanauken


over and over and over again this quote comes to me. trust is SO hard for me! especially when my faith in people has been wrecked over and over and over again.

driving in my car to my 'happy' music makes things easier to overcome. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it really is true. some of my freest moments have been turning up the music and just driving. there's just something about it.

I want to finish this post someday...but not now. so this is my official "note to self."