absence makes the heart say... what the hell is up with this??

i gave E a card to take to china that said that. it made me laugh then, but now i agree with it so much more!

it's been 31 days since i have heard my boyfriend's voice. 31. isn't that insane? i don't think anyone should have to go that long without speaking to their love. i've looked forward to every e-mail i've received from him and have definitely learned a lot about myself and my relationship with E (and with G!) during this time. i've learned about patience, and trust, and more patience, and more trust.

i've been very grateful for my family, who has put up with my melancholy state and who has patted me on the back and told me everything is going to be okay. when E and i were able to gchat for the first time on tuesday, i told him i had cried a lot and he said he wished he could have witnessed it (as thus far in our relationship i have refused to cry in front of him). i told him that when he's around, i don't have any reason to cry! ha, i know, so so corny. but, it is true. i mean, crying can be so healing, but it is a huge vulnerability factor. i think being down here, without a job, without being able to talk to my E, has somewhat stripped me of my independence. with that comes this feeling of exposure that left me less able to communicate and more likely to release tears rather than intelligible words.

i told K a couple of weeks ago that i felt like E was a figment of my imagination. and she said, "no, i met him, he's real." it cracks me up to even type that, but it was a good reassurance to me that this is a just a season, and it will pass (albeit, very. very. very. slowly).

three days to go. (:

hide & seek.

when i was little, i learned a game called hide & seek. i loved it and all of my friends loved it because it gave us yet another opportunity to discover. i remember asking my mom lots of questions throughout my childhood; sometimes she would tell me the answer, and sometimes she would say, "look it up" or "sound it out."

i believe that many of the things we learn as children are foundational to how we view things as adults. for example, when playing hide and seek, did you love to be found? did you love to seek? did you love to stay hidden as long as possible, as your siblings or friends agonized over where you were hiding?

i always had a hard time staying hidden. my mom said that when we would go shopping i would hide in the middle of the circular clothes racks. she would find me by listening for my giggles. i probably saw her feet or something and thought it was so funny that i could see her but she couldn't see me. but, part of me thinks that i didn't mind being found all that badly.

especially in the individualist society i live in, everyone has something they're hiding. eventually it comes out, but not without pain, shame, reluctance... i was thinking about how john mayer awhile back told some tabloid that he would give them a large sum of money if they were able to uncover a mug shot of him. i can't remember if they found it or not, but the point is, i remember reading that. obviously the tabloids weren't the only ones intrigued by mayer's secret photo.

sure, we want to be accepted by the people around us so we hide things. but the thing is, if the people around us aren't the type of people that we trust enough with our junk, why do we really care about their acceptance?

i'm saddened that we all want what we want so bad that we hold onto things for prolonged periods of time, letting their grip on us, their power over us, our attachment to them, grow so strong and deep, that when the hidden-whatever has been released or sought out, it's done more damage than ever thought possible. so much that we are blind to its beginning and its actual affect on us.

going back to my story about how i hid from my mom in the circular clothes racks, i think it's key to point out that she found me by listening. maybe we do hide things and maybe people hide things from us, but are we listening to what is really going on? are there clues to be sought after? or, when people are trying to seek after our hidden-whatevers, do we stay put? refusing even to breathe in hopes that they'll leave you be and the game will continue?

however, in the same breath, i think it's important to remember:

"do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." - matthew 7.

missed out on july.

i just realized that i completely missed out on out writing for the month of july. things were pretty hectic. at one point in time, i felt like i had something meaningful to write to sum up july, but the moment has passed. i feel pretty displaced without having E around. he comes back in 15 days but it's already been 19 days. 15 more seems pretty unbearable.

also, as the days come a little bit closer to him being back in the u.s., i feel a little more sad that when he is back, we won't be in the same place. i'll be down in florida and he'll still be in illinois.

i hope the madness ends soon. :/