the aftermath of the storm that came.

the storm of school has passed and yet now i realize that i am a storm, too. my body is so familiar with going & going & going that to stop is to sit around and wonder why i am not going.

i am my father's daughter.

my mom told me so more than once this week. & she's right.
i have a hard time relaxing after my pace has been so very fast for so very long. but also, i like the pace. it's not always ideal, but it keeps me from the sadness that my mind drifts toward, like a moth to a flame. so the slackened pace demands that i more thoroughly address the inclinations of my mind to dwell in sadness & despair.

G has given me much encouragement through L, who is ninety years old. the elderly people in my life don't tend to be people who i would look to for divine wisdom & love. sure, i love my grandparents and i miss my paternal grandparents very much. but, something with L is different. it's as if she looks into my eyes and sees something i think i've hidden: my exhaustion during the last month of school, my nervousness about finding a job, my sadness about leaving my sweet students, or the need i am scared to admit about how much i need to hear words that contradict what society & the economy are telling me. i need hope. & i need to hear about people who trust G against all odds. faith in action.

i keep thinking how amazing it is that G has uncovered the gem of L to me. she has been around our teaching location for so long. i was somewhat resistant to get to know her, but as she sought me out to talk, i've been that much more thankful for her. i like her independence, her outlook on life, her desire to help others, and her ability to encourage & give hope.

right now, my body is trying to adjust. but, as my mind adjusts, i hope to think about the trust that L has in G to provide for me, and to increasingly believe it myself, too.

belonging.

I cower ‘neath the monster trees
And try to stand on tired feet
But gravity knocks me to the ground
Where I give up, and tears roll down
I claw the dust and beg the end
Curse the day that I began
to hope there’d be a place where I belong

I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin and seek my eyes
Song of love You sing to me
I ache to sing it back to Thee
"Father Love prepares a place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong!"

How did I miss this wondrous song?
The forest sang it all along
"River rinses all your shame
Father offers you His name
Father Love prepares a home
Brother Jesus leads you on
Follow to the place where you belong!"

back out there.

my dashboard countdown tells me I have only 24 days left until graduation.
before then, I have to write a research paper, six confessional essays, take an exam, and turn in two projects.

I keep thinking, I really want to be excited about graduating but instead, I am just scared. I seem to make a lot of my decisions based off of fear and/or the need for security.

Three years ago, I was about to graduate from undergrad. That entire summer, I couldn't find a job. I didn't even have a clue what I wanted to do. I said I would never work for MCS and I definitely would never teach elementary. I also said I would never move home. And then, I did everything I said I would never do.

What frustrates me is that I decided to do those things because I was so deathly afraid of what would happen if I didn't. I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. I would be a graduate with no job. Instead, I spent the year with 5-6 year olds, coming home each day with a story and a blanket of sadness wrapped around me.

I don't know how to make fearless decisions. I look for jobs on the internet and see if there is anything out there, but I am already beginning to feel stuck and somewhat desperate. I don't want to repeat the decisions I made three years ago, but I can't promise that I won't. & I hate that.