un dia a la playa.

today was beautiful. all of it.
woke up, went to the beach, took in much sunshine, talked to my mom for hours, watched my dad surf.

it was nice to just sit & I feel like I'll go back to the W with a renewed spirit. I haven't really looked forward to returning somewhere in a good while... I had a rough patch in the W for a bit but I think things are looking up.

... I think I had forgotten how much I loved a good adventure... and that's what the W is! I should probably remember that.

as for deeper thoughts:

I'm trying to figure out when is it time to just let things go... as in, leaving the past in the past or if it means something that things keep resurfacing and if I should seek it out.
(no, this is has absolutely nothing to do with guys, actually. ha. knowing me, it probably normally would... but not this time around at all)

I would say it's safe to say I have a lot of broken things in my past & I wonder if I am just to resolve things on my side as best as possible, or to bring it up to the other involved parties.

I think this is where the topic of facebook friendships gets to me. like, why do certain people want to be your "friend" even when your true 'in life' friendship doesn't exist? what is it about keeping up with people?

I thought about this earlier when my parents were on their facebooks earlier tonight. They VERY easily press that "reject" button. They know nothing of/care nothing for the idea of facebook+networking. Maybe it's because they're settled in one place geographically so they have little chance of running into people. Or maybe, they just don't care. Either way, it has been somewhat refreshing. I still can't really press the reject button, but I'm nearing that point.

but even with that being said, I still have quite a few people that come to mind who aren't even facebook people and I wonder... "is it time to stop trying?" or "should I contact them?"

I don't know the answer. I would say, until then I won't. But some people I am still in brief (and I mean BRIEF) contact with... random texts and such and I say, "Why do I bother?"

I feel like my life according to this past year has been set to the song "let go." I mean, the words aren't exactly identical, but that whole idea of "letting go." Why do we hold on? Is there purpose to that? Is it merely stubbornness? I lean more towards the latter rather than the former.... but only because I'm me and I'm one of "those people" that is dead set on knowing every motive of my heart and mind, if possible. Not gonna lie, it's quite the task. And I'm not always confident that I'm up to the challenge.

almost there.

I am so close to spring break that I can taste it... yet still much to do.

but I thought this was worth noting.

I talked to my mom earlier today. a few months ago I handed her "a severe mercy" and I said: please please read this.

she's so busy with teaching & all that it has taken her a while to get to "the good stuff." but today on the phone she told me that this past weekend when she and my dad were at the beach, she decided to read it aloud on the car ride back. she said that she started crying at one part.

I finished reading it sometime in september after lindsay suggested I read it. I remember sitting down by a pier on the potomac, just sitting on the ground and weeping. I was crying so much I had to force myself to stop so that I could keep going... the pages were so blurry but I wiped my eyes over and over and persisted.

two things:
1. crying outside... in nature... is highly recommended by me. I think usually, when I get upset, it's done in my bedroom. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. but it's just so sad when you really think about it. crying, by yourself? Crying in general is such a vulnerable thing. but crying outside doesn't feel sad. it feels natural. maybe because my 'mother earth' tendencies just think nature is beautiful. so laugh all you want. I cry. and I think nature is beautiful. so whatever. I'm judging myself now, I think. ha.
2. I loved that my mom cried in the same book as me! as soon as she said it, I felt a bond to her. Okay maybe that's a lie. I already feel bonded to her. I mean, she's my mom. She birthed me, if you know what I mean. but it was nice to feel that comfort of connecting with her in a different way. it was a lovely moment.

okay. back to work. paige-- no more status messages-- I can't monitor your facebook behavior. ha (:

michael scott & the you must like me complex.

kel told me awhile back that I needn't be michael scott.

and then I read this quote.

"[Joy] has to do with a deep experience - an experience of Christ. In the quiet listening of prayer, we learn to make out the voice that says, 'I love you, whoever else likes you or not. You are mine. Build your home in me as I have built my home in you.'"
- Henri Nouwen

((hebrews 3:3-6 is much like this quote, too. or rather, this quote is like hebrews 3:3-6. (: ))

I have these issues... and somedays I'm really overwhelmed by my life junk. I say, "sad day. I am unlovable. I want to change. but I cannot." I always think, if recognition is the first step... what's the second step? as verbal as I feel I am, sometimes everything gets stuck inside of me and I don't know what to say!

nevertheless, we are his. i am his. and he likes me. even loves me.


"let each one find thee mighty to save."