gradually not suddenly, at least for some of us.

I read this today:

Psalm 89:1-18
vs. 15

"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord."

learned hebrew: yada. verb. to know; learn to know, to be acquainted.

I love that it is about learning. that God gives us time to get to know him, to reach the point of knowing him and learning how to acclaim him. it made me think of Philippians 3:10 .

"I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death..."

know greek: ginosko. verb. to learn to know, come to know, to understand.

although I want to become more like him, I find a lot of peace knowing that it doesn't all happen at once- it is a long term commitment to finding more out about him.

the glue.

sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure that everything flows perfectly.
with my friendships, I sometimes don't say anything because I don't want to disturb the peace.
with my family, I feel pressure to make sure that everyone has warm fuzzy feelings for each other so that our time together is edifying and beneficial to all.
it freaks me out a bit. I understand that realistically I cannot do much to prevent or encourage things from going the way they are intended to go and life is so much bigger than what I can contribute or control.
as I was thinking all these thoughts earlier this line came into my head: "you hold all things together" and I googled it to help me remember where in the bible I had read that before.

Colossians 1:16-17
"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together ."

november.

finally. the best month of the year has arrived: november. sweet sweet november. but not like that lame keanu reeves movie. more like, my birthday month. yeah, I'm not biased towards this month at all...

I haven't written on here in awhile. I've been "paper blogging"... i.e. writing letters to my friends.

Lord Byron once said, "Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company."

this is so true for me. in my loneliest of moments here, I've picked up a pen and just written. it really does change things. it makes familiar things and people feel not so far away.
this evening I went and did one of my favorite things. I went and got a cup of coffee from my favorite little shop (today they were serving pumpkin spice blended coffee, amazing.) and went and sat down by the potomac and read. I read my bible for a bit and then picked up where I had last left off reading g.k.chesterton's "the everlasting man." so, I had no idea that he would be so funny. I caught myself laughing out loud more than once. sometimes I feel like the authors that I read could have been my very dear friends. sometimes what I read jumps off the pages and resonates completely with my whole being. I often feel understood... I feel less complicated and more as if there are people out there that must be at least a bit similar to me. I want to be understood but I always want to be me, too. understood yet still unique. it's an odd balance. not to say that in order to be understood, someone must be identical to you, but there must be an element of sameness.

I keep going back to what sheldon vanauken said in "a severe mercy" :
"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we do not know at all that is the same with others."

and that is a constant resolution of mine. and I fail miserably everyday, but I want to find the courage to speak with an unlocked heart.

edit:

this is not my first post about being understood and probably not my last. I'm glad I have this written account of my feelings on the topic because I'm hoping this means I'm reaching some sort of conclusion. it seems as though God is making sure that this gets worked out in my brain as I produce similar thoughts from different angles. I'm not gonna lie, I'm more intrigued by... me, apparently.